Imagination

sleepless in cavite

2007-04-12T12:05:00.000+08:00

I know I should already be ashamed of myself because of some of the entries I post here. These written words may prove how 'romantically hopeless' I am. But these are the unspoken feelings and thoughts that I want to say yet are really hard to express , especially verbally. Here I have time to think of the right words to describe everything. Here I won't be afraid to go on and tell my story.

For nights the things that are keeping me awake 'til around 2am are these: tsunami, snow, paper grocery bags, snow, tsunami, paper grocery bags, tsunami, paper grocery bags and snow. You see, I can only imagine Seattle. Those are the only things that take me there. What I have are those and those that are in my memory.

Those are the things I recently saw on tv that I associate with the place where you are now. In fact, it is already an improvement that I am already watching tv. For the first few weeks, watching tv and reading were too boring for me.

Only driving, mountain climbing and playing soccer make me go back to reality.

Tomorrow we will be having a send-off get together for the Chem Eng Dyan who will be leaving on the 16th for Japan. When I heard that she will also be leaving it is as if I'll be losing my sanity. She was the who made me realize the brighter side of absence and now she will also go away.

Yesterday, we checked the house where we will be moving in. My father already made the initial payment. We are currently busy with completing the requirements for Penpen and Gio's transfer to a school in Manila.

Well, sometimes people should leave us.

Sometimes we should leave other people.

But everything will be okay.

All pictures were in Cavite.
The second and last pictures were taken using a camera phone.

this is not google earth

2007-04-08T01:21:00.000+08:00

Alex Baluyut once said that the most difficult pictures you'll take are your first 1000. I haven't clicked a thousand times but here are some of my firsts. Took these pictures while I was in an airplane bound to Bohol summer 2005.

Though I am not really sure of the islands. According to my dad, they are probably part of Cebu.

Teacher Ate

2007-04-07T18:11:00.000+08:00

On nursery rhyme...
Gio: (Incomprehensible sound)...twas a farmer whohada duck...
Ate: dog!
Gio: and DINGO was his name-o
Ate: BINGO!
Gio: E-I-N-G-O!
Ate:....

On counting...
Ate: O bilangin mo yan. One...
Gio: Zero muna.
Ate: One muna.
Gio: Zero muna kc ung nasa ref zero muna.
Ate: Pero pag nagbibilang one muna kaya nga two kasi one, two.
Gio (starts counting): Zero, one, two...thirty-nine, thirty...fourty-nine, thirty...eighty-nine, thirty
(The ate corrects him everytime, nevertheless).

On math...
Ate: Gio, one plus one?
Gio(puts out his two pointing fingers): One plus one... equals zero!

On spelling...
Ate: Gio, alam mo ba spelling ng dog?
Gio(nods) : D...anung sunod?
Ate: O
Gio: D-O-I-U!
Ate: E cat?
Gio: C...Ate, SHOES alam ko!
Ate: Tlaga?! Cge shoes.
Gio: H-O-I-U-R-U
Ate(silently thinking): H-O-I-U-R-U...HO-I-U-RU
************************************************************************************
I could really be mistaken to be Gio's mother. I was was the one who enrolled him for nursery, put on his sash when he won as runner-up in the Mr. UN contest, attended his Christmas party, accepted his award during his recognition day. And I was his chaperone during the first Field Trip of his life. You see, my parents are really busy. That is, busier than a medicine student. But these instances were really...mmm...amazing(?).

Included in the itinerary of their trip was a puppet show. In the middle of the show, I allowed him to sit with the other kids on the side of the stage. Like any other typical stories for kids there was a villain. At the moment the villain demonstrated his evil acts toward the protagonist, my brother ran towards the center of the stage, hit the villain several times with all his might and kaboom! he became part of the show. He was declared as a hero. During these times I didn't know if I should get my brother out of stage or take pictures of him with the other characters. I preferred to do the latter.

After these events a parent approached me and said, "Ang galing naman ng anak mo!" Napangiti lang ako.

After two weeks, my mom managed to show up in my brother's school for the first time to drop him off.
Teacher: A...kayo ho ba ang lola?
Mami ko: A hindi ho. Ako ho ang tunay na mommy.

Kung Ikaw Sya

2007-04-06T13:49:00.000+08:00

Kung ikaw ay lalaki at napadaan ka sa blog na 'to at alam mong ikaw ang tinutukoy ng mga ilan sa mga nakasulat dito, anong magiging reaksyon mo?

Hay, sana talaga may sumagot sa tanong ko.

Mount Malipuno

2007-04-03T23:23:00.000+08:00

I am still very grateful to Ighie for inviting me to this climb. I think I will always be. Yun nga lang hindi nya pa rin alam ang dahilan. A clue would be my shoutout in friendster. Super thanks talaga sa Green Mountain Tribe sa pagsama at pagpapasensya sa akin dahil ang bagal ko.

Konting pics lang pero unahan ko na kayo. I'm not YET a good photographer. And for me to be one, your comments would be valuable.

The truth is I've got frail hands. I still can't use my own sphygmomanometer because I can't pump to even 100 mmHg through its one year old rubber bulb. I didn't even reach the the top of the wall I tried climbing because I already felt hand muscle weakness halfway. But the first manifestation that I am already tired is that my footing becomes really unstable. I slip. I lose balance. Also my peak expiratory flow rate is low, as low as those who have asthma. I felt I have weak lungs during a fun run six years ago. What happened there is consistent with every moderate physical activity I've been to including this climb.

Sa kabila ng lahat, kung meron akong masasamahan, every weekend akong aakyat ng bundok. Because, knowing the little chance of hearing from you and seeing you again, the only thing that makes me smile is doing the things that you love to do.

i am afraid of the time i'll miss you

2007-04-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

If I could write my thoughts in emails or cards to give you confidence and strength to carry on each day and if I could just send what's inside my heart into a package to comfort you through the cold night, I definitely would. It is just that I do not know if it would be of help because I do not know if it would mean something to you as it is special to me. Sometimes in great desperation I hope I am one of the people you've been with, the same people who made you wanna stay here. Sometimes I wonder of the things that currently make you busy. Sometimes I really want to know if you are okay.

Many times I just feel helpless.

I want to remember you

2007-03-17T16:37:00.000+08:00

Ten thirty pa natapos ang exam ko kanina pero habang sinusulat ko to nakauniform pa rin ako. Sobrang maliwanag ang araw sa side ng upuan ko kanina sa bus pero wala akong naramdamang init (Note: Around 1pm ako nagbabyahe kanina). Pakiramdam ko limang oras akong iniwan ng utak ko simula kaninang alas onse. Kahit na ganon wala akong pakialam dahil masaya ako sa naging sanhi noon. Isa pa, hindi ko naman sya masyadong kailangan noong mga sandaling yon.

I want to remember every detail of it so I am blogging it. I want to remember the time you stood up and how much I appreciated it. I want to remember the time you offered a hug and asked me if it's ok even though you know I want it and I need it. I want to remember your sensitivity to my consciousness. The moment you went away from the sight of the crowd so that I wouldn't be too shy to embrace you. I want to remember how you hugged me. And though, it breaks my heart every time I think about it, I want to remember every tear you wiped and every sniff you made. I want to remember the first and last time na hinatid mo kahit hanggang escalator lang. I want to remember every 'ba-bye.'

I want to remember every thing of today because tomorrow there will be nothing to remember.

Revolver’s Top Local Albums of 2006

2006-12-29T17:35:00.000+08:00

Opinyon lang to ng sumulat...

1. Up Dharma Down, Fragmented (Terno).

2. Queso, Queso (self-produced).

3. Sound, Blue Monsoon (self-produced). --> dalawa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako di naniniwala: under EMI ang album na to at kakarelease lang nung second week ng dec 2006. at natalo nya ang typecast at juan pablo? pero ok to! hooohooo!

4. Sugarfree, Tala-Arawan (EMI).

5. Dong Abay, Flipino (self-produced).

6. Chillitees, Extra Rice (soundminds/EMI).

7. The Dawn, Tulad Ng Dati (Warner)/Rivermaya, Isang Ugat, Isang Dugo (Viva).

8. Sleepyheads, (Don’t Let Our) Tuneless Moaning (Go to Waste).

****special mention****Narda, Discotillion ( Edouards Village). Anyone who knows this writer personally might laugh and throw garbage at me when they read this and accuse me of conflict of interest, but heck, find me any sensible listener who will tell you that this is an awful one. From an objective point of view this is where I would have put it because this album brings the different elements that make two important rock genres of the 80’s – new wave and punk – fun, fun, fun.

9. Outerhope, Strangely Paired (self-produced).

10. Kjwan, 2StepMarv (Barnyard).

11. AMPON, Dekoding Rhythm (AMPON).

12. Salindiwa, One (self-produced). .

13. Cog, Conflagration (Tower of Doom)/Plane Divides the Sky, Campaign to Capture (Tower of Doom).

14. Faspitch, The Future of Ear Repair (Lighter).

15. Nimbus9, Philippine Phenom (Turbulence).

16. Endofcontracts, Radio Edito (Edouards Village).

17. Bob Aves, Translating the Gongs (Tao).

18. Various Artists, Mga Awit ng Mandaragat (Independent). A superior songwriter (Joey Ayala) interpreted by an even superior list of performers (Cooky Chua, Cynthia Alexander, Noel Cabangon, Kevin Roy, etc) to create a concept album paying tribute to the fisherfolk and the sea.

19. The Pin-Up Girls, All Seats Are Taken (Sutton). .

20. Juan Pablo Dream, Souled Up! (Terno).

21. Kamikazee, Maharot (Universal).

22. Chicosci, Chicosci (self-produced/MCA)/Typecast, Every Moss and Cobweb (FMAP).

23. Imago, Blush (Universal)/Sandwich, Five to the Floor (EMI).

24. Gary Valenciano, Relevance (Genessis/Universal).

25. Skies of Ember, Endless Swoon (Dissonance).

26. Sitti, Café Bossa (Warner)/Sitti, Live! (Warner).

27. Various Artists, Songs from the Other Side – Music from & Inspired by Ang Pamana – The Inheritance (Song Stream).

28. Silverfilter, Interpreter: The Remixes (Vanilla Crush).

29. Noel Cabangon, Ang Himig Nating Pag-Ibig (Ballyhoo).

30. Color It Red, Color It Red (Harmony/Alpha).

source

Bagay sa Kulay ng Blog Ko

2006-12-25T12:54:00.000+08:00

Bitter lang ako. Sabi ng kaibigan ko ipagdasal na lang daw namin na wag tumugtog ang udd, giniling, sound at wahijuara. Hay. Imposible. Hindi ako nalulungkot dahil ang hirap ng medicine. Nalulungkot ako kasi may mga bagay na di ko magawa.

Pero masaya ako at may Sound Album na ko. Wahahahaa. Kung ilang araw ko tong hinanap sa ilang Odyssey at Astrovision outlets pero sa SM Bacoor department store CD section ko lang pala makikita. Grabe talaga.

Six Days To Go!

2006-12-08T16:48:00.000+08:00

Aaaa...Gusto ko nito. Malapit na nman bday ko e. Cge na..Anyone?

V(^_^)V

2006-10-17T00:28:00.000+08:00

I fear of letting someone know how special they are to me. I fear of dependence. I fear of expectations. I learned to be afraid. And so, though I feel it, I learned to act as numb as stone in every little appreciation of my existence. It is wanting to have a perfect relationship with someone but not wanting to be attached.

Last Sunday, I was already very excited of wearing my new pangharabas puruntong. Partly because I wanted her to see it. I was also too excited of blurting out a line I got from Love to Love. Hindi mo na kelangan maging sweet sakin kung gusto mo akong maging kaibigan. I thought that was more than perfect for her to say to him.

Until the news caught me early morning the next day. Text messages flashed in my mind. And also of a particular moment I think I thought time stopped. But then I neglected it.

As each phrase of the news slowly appeared on the computer screen, I had random guilt thoughts. Sana andun ako. Dapat andun ako. Dapat nakinig ako e. Dapat nagpapilit ako. Kung sana lang sinunod ko yung naramdaman ko na.

Very soon I realized na wala naman ako magagawa e. Makikita ko lang ang actual na nangyari. I decided to take it lightly. Actually, natawa ako. And I was ready to laugh at her the moment I see her. Oi, babae ka talga. Strong ang character pero weak naman talga physically.

I went to school and heard the rest of the story. My imagination carried me to that place, to places.

I left my eyeglasses at home. So vision totally unreliable. When I had a glimpse of her I thought she was sleeping. When I had a better look on her, I felt I was being reminded of someone or a situation I cannot think of. But every time I looked at her face and everytime I remember it I feel a lump in my throat. It's so damn painful to stop it from forming.

And I wish I hadn't went back in her room just to ask where in Malate the Korean Restaurant is. First, because I did not get an answer. I went home hungry as a lion. Second, I should have been so much better this very moment. Tears just don't stop while I'm writing this.

I'm Not Missing You

2006-10-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

The on-trial Yahoo! mail beta offered me the easiest way of going over the archive of, originally, 3 thousand plus plus messages in my mail. Including these:

God knows how many times I've read these messages.

Asymptotic

2006-08-13T23:37:00.000+08:00

I always seem to be looking at you, even if I'm not.

Trigonometry calls this an asymptotic relationship.

"Always approaching but never touching."

Drain the (You)Tube

2006-08-12T23:33:00.000+08:00

Haha! It is not just unpublished pictures I can get from tracking down few of Papa Ping's livejournal friends. Because all of his friends seem to be so creative, talented, artistic and, most of all, well-exposed to the amazing features of the internet, it is just now that I learned of a way to download videos from youtube from one of them.

I'll just save those bulky videos in dvd.

And because playing them requires flv player, I just wish I can also find a way to play them using my dvd player from Recto and watch them on tv.

Ignorance and caprice. It is good they are not included in the seven deadly sins.(If you don't understand what I am writing about, consider this as a self-talk. It is me, myself and I. This just proves that I am already not mentally fit to enrol next semester.)

Home Sweet Home

2006-06-30T14:43:00.000+08:00

I was so happy when finally I got to see the roof of our green house via satellite...

Loree Stickers

2006-06-23T12:29:00.000+08:00

I've already put these (well, not actually with these offhandedly concealed details) self-made stickers on my books two weeks ago.

A lot of thanks to ighie. A soon-to-be-dentist friend joked that I have four extra dentitions on the caricature. Stupid me, who had took Dentistry GE subjects during first year of college, reacted and tried counting immediately if I really have extra dentitions. Poink!

To cheysson/che che/chevs/6/dcl/seis (have i mentioned all?), for the instant family ambigram-created in front of my very own eyes (without seeing the hand who was generating the figure) with YM's doodle do. I just casually filled the internal spaces with black.

Google Any Place Around The Globe

2006-06-10T12:39:00.000+08:00

Isa lang to sa mga nahalukay ko sa net. Nakakatuwa talaga. Nakaka-adik.Hinanap ko muna syempre ang Pilipinas.

Ang Luzon...particularly ang Cavite...
Pero ang hirap hanapin ng bahay namin kaya dun muna ako sa mas madali...Luneta...

Nakakaaliw dahil kitang kita nga ang mapa ng Pilipinas...

Nagpunta na rin ako sa malapit sa Luneta...PLM..

Desperado akong makita ang bubong ng bahay namin kaya I flew back to Cavite...

Huhu di ko talaga makita...Hintayin ko na lang mommy at daddy ko para turuan ako umuwi kung sakaling lumilipad na ko...

Pati UP hindi ko makita... Papano masyado pala maulap doon..Paaano na ko pupunta sa homecoming? Paano ko makikita si Manny Calayan? Sa helicopter pa naman sana ako sasakay...

Try nyo...

Thinking of Angela's HK Tour, Ighie's Birthday and Ms. Salvador's Math Lessons?

2006-06-09T04:46:00.000+08:00

Few of my classmates and I refused to go down the field to meet our new lecturer. Though we knew that she would be giving a short quiz there we chose to wait in the classroom. Ighie was the first one I saw who entered the classroom. When I looked in front, Ms. Salvador was continuing giving the scope of the third shifting exam. I was confused because it first seemed that she was dictating some of the possible questions for the shifting exams. Ighie was a little bit anxious. Something told me then that whoever who would be able to get the highest grade in our Pathology class would have the chance to go to UK.

God has His own weird ways of saying things. Sometimes through dreams. As if God was telling me,"Child, stop blogging for a while. You should be reading your books now."

I just realized that travelling is really my passion and it could be a bait for me to study harder.

Napabalikwas kaya ako sa kama.

Proud Mom

2006-06-08T12:14:00.000+08:00

Hindi ako buntis at wala pa rin akong naluwal na anak.

Kahit kasi nasabi ko ng kapatid ko ang bunso kong kapatid na si Gio, the teacher in the registration office still preferred to acknowledge me as his mommy. Though, cute naman pa lang matawag na mommy honestly.

First time ni Gio kumuha ng exam. Katulad ng ibang bata mahiyain ang kapatid ko sa simula. Pumulupot muna sa hita ko at kelangan ko pa ihatid sa room kung saan sya mag eexam.

Sobrang kinakabahan talaga ako sa entrance exam na un kasi naman wala tlagang alam ang kapatid ko, as in. Kinakabahan din ako dahil baka kahit alam nya naman talaga ang sagot kung ano ano lang ang isulat at kulayan sa papel.

8:10 kame umalis na bahay papunta sa school na mga three-minute walk lang mula dito sa amin. Nung lumabas si Gio sa room at tumingin ako sa wall clock nila e 9:10 na.

Nag thumbs up yung teacher sa office. Hindi ko naman akalaing maperfect ng kapatid ko ung 35-item exam!!! Grabe talga! Sobrang nahalata ng teacher na nagulat ako. Tuwang tuwa kasi ako. Sobrang dali lang ng exam pero ang galing pa rin ng kapatid ko!

Binili ko sya ng chichiria at coke pag-uwi.

First time din ni Gio magpakuha ng picture sa studio. Picture lang natatakot na. Di pa nagsmile.

Nakakatuwa talaga. Bukas ieenrol ko na sya.

Maraming taong pinipilit akong aminin na anak ko ang kapatid ko. Actually, pwede ko talga syang mging anak kasi pareho cla ng pagkakalbo ng isang partikular na tao.

Wanted: Nameless Gitarista

2006-06-04T21:30:00.000+08:00

Nagpunta ako sa Terno Agogo nung April sa The Fort.Doon ko unang nakitang tumugtog ang Sound. Ang galing nila. Ngunit un na rin ang huling rinig ko sa music nila. Kahit sa internet d ko sila mahagilap.

Pati ang pangalan nitong misteryosong gitarista ng Giniling super unknown.

Paano ba naman d cla nagpakilala pero nakakatawa talaga c Dye Dye. Grabe. Ang galing din nya gumupit ng damit nya.

momonja syndrome

2006-06-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

Bakit c momonja kahit anong tapang nagiging bato kapag nakikita nya c mojari?

May nagsabi sa akin na nagiging bato daw ako pag nakikita ko ang isang partikular na tao. Sabi nya parang d daw ako bigla makagalaw at d rin makapagsalita. Naalala ko tuloy c momonja.

Nung friday sabi ni Avie sobrang seryoso ng mukha ko. D daw ako ngumingiti.

Sabi sa akin ng isang kaibigan na nakasaksi ng insidente nung Friday: 'Naging bato ka na naman, Lorraine! Nakatayo ka lang. D ka gumagalaw!'

D ko naman un sinasadya. Basta. Nagiging ganun lang ako kahit na sa totoo lang tuwang tuwa na talaga ako.

I couldn't even try putting the Friday incident into words. Maybe I am still so stoned(?).

Pakisabi na lang

2006-05-31T19:44:00.000+08:00

If
I sit here
and the words won't come
the fighting in the brain
will worry and weary
the sense

if words could be sealed
in calm finality
I could send a package
of experience

if the heart could think
in the mind's language
I would have no trouble with
the grammar of sensations

and offer you, perhaps,
a punctuated life.

but if I wait here
and the word won't come
and it's a poem you want
where do I begin

You're So Quiet
you're so quiet
my resolution wavers,
lingering, afraid to
raise your gaze
from the silence.

sprawled in that chair
evening dropped you in
like a toy forgotten after play,
what are you thinking,
what seeing in the middle distance?

you seem to have found
the equilibrium point,
the fulcrum of life,
now night can return you
to this complete unresistance.

some there are
who whistle in solitude
when their own heartbeats
pursue them like footfalls
and they are too lonely, alone.

but you are so still.
the silence contains itself
sufficient from all else,
that bent head, supine gesture
of permanence, defying.

dare I speak,
or move this one shadow
and disturb the half light?
dare I claim you back to life
with my human love?

you're so quiet
I am afraid
to tie you to time.
please look up,
when you're tired of eternity.

Because I Only Write
because I only write,
not knowing where and how to bring
these feelings to your doorstep,
my hands hold no order,
transfer no look, no grace,
cannot contain the red pulse of the heart.
only the blue throb over the page;
small, drying in ways not mine.

yet to be simple,
to mean what the leaning lines convey
is to block and defeat
what would be told.

to write is nothing.
this, only despatching
a part of me;
the rest remains, watching
for the reach of your understanding
or your despair.

if we could live
without the sentences between us,
remove the barricading speech,
we may communicate a living whole.

but I only write,
not knowing the beginning or the end.
I only write
to make simplicity an order,
courtesy a return.

It is wanting to tell someone but not wanting them to know.
-Bea Camacho, Blind Transmissions

poems by Lee Tzu Pheng from Prospect of a Drowning

Am I Normal

2006-05-31T18:49:00.000+08:00

Budget Dorm
Ngayon Ladies Dorm na ang tawag sa kanya. Along Padre Faura St. Super katabi ng rob. Katabi rin nya ang Budget Meal Turo Turo. February ng 2002 nagstart ang buhay ko kasama ng mga caretakers(father, mother and son-tawag namin sa kanila ay 'holy family') na literal na tinutubuan ng sungay sa noo. Wala pang isang taon napaalis na kame ng kaibigan ko sa dorm na ito. Yun ang sem na nagzoZoo 102 kame. Inuuwi namin ang pusa na nakabalot sa black bag. Tuwing gabi kailangan syang isprayan ng formalin. Isang gabi, nsa terrace ang caretakers kasama ng kanilang mga amigas. Sa terrace kame originally nagsppray ng dead kets. So sa sobrang atat namin mag spray, sa second floor kame nag spray. Dun na natapos ang maliligayang araw namin sa unang dorm namin ng kaibigan ko. Hindi natake ng caretakers ang formalin. Tumawag sa managers ng dorm. Sinumbong kami. Maiingay daw kameng mga bata. Chuva, chuva at marami pang chuva. Nung gabing yun sa Mabini Pension House na kame natulog ng kaibigan ko.

Imperial Bayfront Tower Hotel (something like that)
One month lang kasi kame dito. Along Mabini. Hinintay lang namin ung iba namin na dormmates na sinipa din mula sa Budget Dorm para sama samang lumipat sa...

Laureana Mansion
Along Perdigon St ata to kung d ako nagkakamali. Sa may Paco. Ok naman tong nilipatan namin. Anim na lalake at lima kameng girls. Syempre separate units kame. Nakakatawa lang ung may ari mag english. Lagi pa naman sya nag lalabas ng memo. Almost 2 years ako dito bago ako pinalipat ng parents ko dahil nag away kame ng kaibigan ko.

Mary's House Dormitory
Corner Nakpil at Vasquez, sa Malate. Basta isang Monday kinuha ko ang lahat ng gamit ko sa Laureana. Kinabukasan nasa mga madre na ko. D ako nagpaalam sa frend ko pero sa iba kong housemates nagsabi ako. I knew how it felt dahil classmates kame. Lalong tumagal away namin. Ano pa aasahan mo? Umalis ako sa dorm na to at nag uwian after 1st sem 4th year. Nag duty na kame sa pgh at nag field work nung 2nd sem e.

Korean Soil Apartment
Wla kcng pangalan tong apartment na to. Basta mga kapitbahay namin puro korean families kaya feeling namin ng classmate ko nasa korean soil kame. Along Orosa St. Last year lang ako tumira dito. After two months nag uwian na ko. Lagi kong sinasabi na nakakalungkot kasi kaya ako nag uwian. Akala cguro ng classmate ko sinasabi ko na boring sya kasama. Ito ang panahon na nagpatong patong lahat ng panget na pakiramdam sa akin. Kinailangan ko ng pamilya ko. Sana naiintindhan nya ako.

???????
Kasalukuyang hinahanap ko ang pangalan ng pang ilan? Pang anim kong tirahan simula ng mag aral ako sa Maynila.

Kamay at Utak

2006-05-27T10:14:00.000+08:00

MT2
Where: Gawaran Elementary School
When: May 21, 2006

MT3
Where: Infanta, Quezon
When: May 22-24, 2006

Nung nag enrol ako nung 25 may nagtanong sakin kung bakit atat na atat daw akong magtuli. Hindi ko na matandaan kung anong sinagot ko o kung sinagot ko nga ba talaga sya. Kasi medyo nagulat ako sa tanong nya. Nagtaka lang ako kung bakit nya tinanong yun e pareho naman kameng med students. Hindi naman ako sa pagtutuli atat e kundi sa pwede kong matutunan sa bawat opportunity na makakasalubong ko.

Sa totoo lang hindi buo ang tiwala ko sa utak ko. Sa 21 taon na nasa ulo ko to alam ko na kung pano to tumakbo at kung ano ang limitasyon nito. Marami itong nakakalimutan na dapat laging tandaan. Marami itong mga importanteng mga bagay na napagpapalit palit. Kung minsan naiisip kong may microorganisms na kumakain ng memory ko. (Teka, kung d ako nagkakamali may STD na ganun ang komplikasyon. Hahaha!)

Pero sa kamay ko, hindi man buo, mas malaki ang tiwala ko dito kaysa sa utak ko. Para rin kasi syang may utak. Alam ko namang sa utak din nanggagaling ang lahat ng ginagawa ng kamay ko. Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, mas epektibo ang skills ko kaysa sa memory ko. Malaki ang naitutulong ng kamay ko para matandaan ang mga bagay.

Madali kong makalimutan ang mga bagay na binabasa ko. May mga pagkakataon ngang nag aral akong mabuti at nakakuha ng magandang grade sa exam pero tanungin mo ako after a month tungkol dun hindi na ako sigurado sa isasagot ko. Pero kapag paulit ulit kong ginagawa ang isang bagay kahit d na ko consciously mag isip maayos ko syang nagagawa at natatandaan ko ang rationale sa likod ng bawat procedure.

May medical explanation sa lahat ng to pero d sapat ang mga natatandaan ko ngayon para iexplain sya sa entry na ito.

Siguro iba iba lang talga tau ng paraang para matuto at matandaan ang mga bgay. [At may pinipili lang talga taung tandaan. Selective memory. May parte din sa utak natin, ang amygdala(OMG! natandaan ko sya!), na nagdedesignate ng emotional chuva(huhu..) para matandaan natin ang isang pangyayari o bagay. Para sakin malaki ang tulong ng amygdala ko kasi pag pinasukan na ng emotional factor ang isang pangyayari mas matagal ko syang natatandaan.] Ako, hindi sapat ang libro. Kung baga kelangan kong gamitin ang halos lahat ng faculties ng katawan ko para lang makatanda ng isang bagay o ng isang medical principle.

Natutuwa nga ako dahil nung ininvite ako sa infanta sabi ko matutupad na ang pangarap kong unti unting marating ang kasuluksukan ng Pilipinas. Pangarap kong magbyahe ng matagal, umakyat ng bundok at mapuntahan ang maliliit na isla at magstay dun ng konting panahon para magpractice na walang dalang mga fetal at guide books. Kahit d ako bilib sa utak ko, gusto kong maging sapat na sya at ang kamay ko pag naging totoong doktor na ko at nagbyahe na ko. Hindi ko naman kasi madadala lagi ang mga libro para ma-assure ako sa gagawin ko. Ang tanging madadala ko lang sa lahat ng oras sa kahit saang lugar ay ang sarili ko. Kasama na ang utak at kamay ko.

One week na lang, pasukan na naman. Panahon na naman ng mga utak. Mangangamoy utak na naman. Sa susunod na summer panahon naman ng kamay ko. Sana makasama naman ako sa ibang surgical missions, tulad ng herniotomy.

Siguro magiging surgeon ako.. Internists know everything, do nothing. Surgeons know nothing, do everything. Psychiatrists know nothing, do nothing.

Hay ang kalat talga ng utak ko, sumusunod tuloy ang kamay ko...

Last Chance?

2006-05-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all I can do
To let you know what I feel for you is real
This is the last chance for us
This is the moment that I just (cannot let) end
Before I know that there's a chance for us to be more than friends
So don't let go let it last all night
This is my last chance to make you mine
I kept my feeling so deep
I kept my dreams of you and me somewhere inside
Although I prayed that you would see it in my eyes
But this is my last chance to say
What's in my heart before you stay out of my life
And then you'll understand the way I feel inside
So hold me close cause it feels so right
This is my last chance to make it mine
Make this dream reality
So close and you're so far
Gotta find your way into your heart
Gotta speak my mind
Gotta open up to you this time
I can't let you slip away tonight
This is my last dance with you
This is my only chance to do all that I can do
To let you know that what i feel for you is real
So don't let go
Just make it last all night long
This is my last chance to make you mine
to make you mine

Last last last year ko una at huling napakinggan tong kantang to. Tama ba? Basta nung mini debut ko. Actually, d ko sya naintindhan kc sumasayaw ako nun. Tsaka nwala ako sa sarili ko nun. Ngayon ko lang kinonfirm sa frend ko kung ito nga ba ung kantang un. Ang galing nya! Tamang tama to sakin noon at ngayon. Naintindhan ko na kung bkit tinanong nung kasayaw ko kung bkit ito ung sinasayaw namin.

Paulit ulit ko tlga sya piniplay ngayon.

Love Sickness

2006-05-18T16:46:00.000+08:00

kahit saang blog ako ngaun mapadaan, tsk tsk tsk, parang laging may isang word na naghuhumiyaw.

ako ito lang masasabi ko:
I miss him so much! But what can I do? Ang tanga ko!

kung d ko pa pinilit sarili kong maging produktibo matutulog lang ako ng matutulog.

Yehey! Yehey!

2006-05-12T16:49:00.000+08:00

Ganito sya noon...Nung fresh pa sya mula sa sheet ng notebook at lapis ni alex...
Through ighie's combined knack to manually create and digitally enhance something, eto na sya ngaun...
Sinong hindi matutuwa?!!!! Jojombagin ko!

Ighie, gugusulr naegeh josuh gomawoh...

Typecasted

2006-05-11T16:44:00.000+08:00

There's nothing like your first love (o you'll never forget your first love). Parang ganyan ung sinabi sa Little Manhattan di ba? Sabi din sa 2046 na Chinese movie, sa buhay natin hinahanap lang natin ang kapareho ng first love natin. Eww..ang mushy.

After more than a year, I found out I am not totally over him and, in reality, I will never be. Baket? E first ko un e. At hanggang ngayon, first and only. Hahaha. Actually, d naman kame naging kame. Hahaha. Cry of the desperate. Siguro wala pang dumarating ulit kaya masakit pa rin.

Wala pa ulit nagtetext every night at tuwing nakikita akong hindi nakangiti(tama bang ijudge na nakasimangot ako kapag hindi ako nakangiti?), tumatawag every weekend at nagyaya manood ng sine kahit hindi pa alam ang palabas. Wala pang overconfident na magsesend sakin ng coke txt message na ang ending e para sa laging mahal ako. Wala pa ring magsasabi kahit implied na langit nya ako.
Wala pa ulit magpapakilig dahil ininuman nya ung straw ko. Wala pa ulit na katelepathy ko-pag naiisip ko syang itext bigla na lang tutunog ang cel ko at sya na nga.

21 and Counting

I am waiting
But I find myself looking
Im sick of myself
Im so lonely
I just found out
Sometimes I can’t control these tears
Everything is falling down on me
I feel so cold
And its all my fault
So this is how the guilt feels
It can break you down to pieces

Wala na. Wala na ang ksama kong manood ng Till There Was You ni Juday at Piolo. wehehehe. Jologs to pero nakakatuwa.

Only guy I thought and still think is perfect for me. The guy I saw with me in the future.

Sya ung tinutukoy nung nagfrendster message sa akin.

Malaki ang probability na makikita ko sya ulit at makakasakay sa jeep o sa bus dahil taga imus lang din sya. Pero out of that probability e wala pang nangyayari after more than a year. Kapag naglalakad ako papuntang terminal at nakasakay ng jeep naiisip ko kung bakit ganun pero pinagdarasal ko talga kay Papa God na sana handa na ako pag nang yari un.

Life is full of surprises like a box of chocolate. Kailangan wala ka talagang kamuwang muwang para masaya. Para genuine ang feelings at emotions na mararamdaman mo.

Kanina wala talaga akong kamuwang muwang dahil busy ako kakatext sa sa dulo ng jeep, ung sa harap na part. Hindi ko rin alam kung nasaan na ako. Nang biglang may umupo sa harap ko. Syempre napatingala ako. Hindi ko alam kung dahil lang sa depekto ng mata ko un pero parang nag zozoom in at zoom out ako. Sa paningin ko ang aliwalas ng mukha nya pero parang gusto kong kusutin ang mata ko dahil blurred ata. Parang slow mo at medyo may music na hindi ko naman marinig at maintindihan dahil bingi ako at nakafocus ako sa nakikita ko.

Dapat sisipain ko ang paa nya dahil my nature told me so. Pero napatitig lang ako at hinintay na tumingin na lang sya. Hay..ang basal ganglia ko naging overactive. (Ang basal ganglia ay parte ng motor area sa utak natin. This smoothly integrates feelings, thoughts and movement. Kaya pag sobra daw ang input naglolock sya. Ang mga tao daw ay naooverwhelm ng mga stressful situations, kunyari mga sunog basta nakakagulat, kaya nagiging overactive ang basal ganglia at ang tao ay nagfrefreeze na lang. gets ba? Favorite ko tong basal ganglia e.)

Pag sakay nya, nagbayad sya. Tumingin sya sa left and right nya. Then, center. Tenen! Sabi nya ui! Hahaha. Di nya alam kung anong gagawin nya sa mukha nya. Ang awkward. Sinipa nya paa ko. Sabi nya saan daw ako punta. Sabi ko community. Tinanong nya kung bakit may dala akong badminton racket. Sabi ko workshop. Inabot nya sukli nya. Tinapos ko ang pagtxt kong naudlot. Sinilid ko sa bag ko cel ko. Tinanong ko kung nagtatrabaho na ba sya. Shet! Nanginginig talaga bibig ko nito kaya ang bilis ng pagsalita ko pero naintindhan naman nya e. Tumango. Tanong ko kung saan. Makati daw. Sabi ko yeba. D man lang ngumiti. kinuha ko cel ko sa bag. Nagpipindot kunyari. Naalala ko ng itxt c avie. Txt ko c avie. Lagay ulit fone sa bag. Tapos hanggang bayan ng imus nakatingin lang kame pareho sa kalsada. Sa aming dalwa sya lagi ang nagsstart ng conversation dati. Kanina wala. Nalunok nya ang dila nya. Alam kong nababagabag sya.

Escape the Hurt

Impossible to match
I’ll try to be calm
Blood stain streams out your name
I try hard to take it off
The moment is haunting me
So I sleep and escape the hurt
Please try be yourself
I’ll try hard to be myself
Tell me where it hurts
Show me
I will take your pain and put it with my own
Im losing my worthless breath
Heal me
I’m not strong like you
Heal me now

Panahon na para bumaba kame. Parang wala sya sa wisyo bumaba. Umakmang bababa na ko. Sya din gumalaw na pero napakaplain ng mukha nya. At dahil sya ang isa sya sa mga konting gentleman na nakilala ko alam kong mauuna na akong tumayo. At dahil alanganin ang parada ng jeep, naging dalawang daan ang pwedeng puntahan ng mga pasahero. Nilingon ko sya. Nakatingin naman sya kaya tumango ako. Nasa kabila sya ng kalsada. Naramdaman kong ayaw nya na ng interaksyon. Natural escapist ako kaya ang speed ng paglalakad ko ay ginwa ko ng maximum.

Assertion

unexplained sights
whenever you're around
this unfulfilled adjacent
of moment comes around
impulsive scenes shiver
over and over again i wonder if
i can completely present myself to you
i don't have any brilliant words to say anyway
and affirmation denies
everything i need to say
take back everything
like nothing's left for me
why can't you feel
the way i'm feeling now i wonder if i
can completely present myself to you
i don't have any brilliant words to say
anyway could you even pretend that you want me?

Pero sa abangan ng bus nauna syang nakatawid. Kaya nakikita ko syang naglalakad. Wala pa ring tatalo sa pag kapayat nya. Halatang halata sa suot nyang white long sleeves na nakatupi ng maayos at black slacks. Binagalan kong maglakad at minsan humihinto pa ako para wag kameng magpang abot. May time sa paglalakad kong naiisip kong lampasan sya o hintuan kaya muntik ko na syang maabutan. Naging pabalik ang lakad ko dahil sa takot na lumingon sya at makita nyang nasa likod nya lang ako at d sya pinupuntahan. Buti na lang nauna syang nakasakay. At bago dumaan ang jeep na sinakyan nya dinukot ko na ang fone ko para icheck (kunyari).

Another Minute Until Ten

the sun is shining down on you
it's time to show the truth
it's time to show your true face now your walking with content
disorder, you're colder
you know that i can see through you
try, try me
unexpectable drop-by's
my body's pressed against the wall
it's stretchin out my skin again obviously you're happy
the sun is shining down on you
you know it all
just give me one reason to live
try, try me

Ang sakit. Ang totoo, umiiyak na ako habang nag aabang ng bus. Nangingilid na ang luha ko at nakadaan na ng nasolacrimal duct ang mga to para maging sipon. Nararamdaman kong nanginginig ako pag sakay ng bus dahil hindi ako stable (syempre, nanginginig nga e). Hanggang sa pagtayo ko sa bus nanginginig ang kamay ko. Napansin kong tulala na ako at walang pake kung hindi ako humahawak at nakasandal lang sa upuan. Pero ginusto kong manatiling ganun at maging mukhang tanga. Nagttxt kame ni avie. At bago nya pa mtxt na baka ito na ang simula ng pagkikita namin palagi e naisip ko na un paulit ulit habang nag aabang ng bus.

Nakakapagod at nakakapanlumo un. Ni ayokong maglabas ng boses o tumango dahil napapagod na ako. Ayoko ng kausap. Ayokong bumaba ng bus. Gusto kong magbyahe ng matagal. Pumunta ng baguio mag isa para makatulala ng matagal. Ayokong maglakad parang sa mga koreanovela dahil nakakapagod un. Ganito ako hanggang sa community. Buti na lang kinailangan kong gumalaw dun para makalimot sandali.

Scars of the Failing Heart

Broken hopes falling away
Don’t you have something to say?
Does it make you sleep?
Emptiness of words that you’ve said
Scars in my heart that you left
Now I’m close to dying
Everyting failing with thoughts of you
Now I’m down without knowing what’s true
With the way you look at someone else
Everyone’s saying just try to be strong
How I wish that I’m just being wrong
Would you try to hear me out?
The mood of distraction’s prevailing tonight
Have you seen what’s the best and what’s right
Now you’re gone and you’re on your own
The ghost of my presence is saying goodbye
And I’ll die without making things right
And you’re gone and I’m on my own
Broken glass cut me to sleep
Wounds are dissected so deep
I don’t want to wake up
I need this blood to wam my hands
And you don’t have to understand
You just got me all wrong

Ang totoo wala talaga akong maisip na title nitong entry nato. I can't think of a phrase or a word to summarize these all. Salamat sa album ng typecast. Kung ikaw ay broken hearted, let the songs of typecast empathize with you.

Breathe Through the Glass

....
write down every heart-felt moment
teach me how to smile
i will take my chances
hit the walls, i am blind
can i ask you to hold me
just one time
i am waiting for someone

Nakakalungkot Naman 'To

2006-05-10T18:45:00.000+08:00

Hello lorie
Your age adjusted IQ score is 86 and the average score is 100.
Your IQ score is the result of a formula based on the number of
questions answered correctly on the test. This score has been further
adjusted to account for the differences in capabilities among various
age groups. Your percentile score means that you scored higher than 20%
of the people who took this same test.

Your Grade:Lower Average
Your performance on the test was just below the population average
which means that you have the ability to achieve success in life. Whatever
you decide to do you have a good mix of skills and insight that can be
applied in a wide variety of ways. You are able to think critically and
communicate effectively and you also have the ability to handle
academic challenges. If you think of intelligence as the ability to adapt
easily to new situations then you are heading in the right direction.

General statistics
Total number of questions:30
Questions answered:30
Questions not answered:0
Questions answered correctly:13
Questions answered incorrectly:17
Percentage correct answers:43%

Medyo nangagarap pa naman ako magjoke ala member ng Mensa...Pare, punta taung baywalk.Nuod tau sunrise.

MT 1

2006-05-07T21:09:00.000+08:00

Apat na batang lalake ang tuliro ngayon.

TULIro #1: Aka Kevin. 12 years old. Super bleeder. D kasi talaga maiwasan ang prominent vein nya na bumabagtas sa kahabaang un. Di ko na mabilang kung ilang gasa ang naiabot ko kay len at naipunas ko sa dugo na umabot hanggang paa nya. At dahil first time ko lang to at taga assist lang ako punas doon punas dito ang drama ko. Nagresearch ata ang batang to sa method na gagawin dahil tinatanong nya kame kung nagupit na ba namin o natahi na namin. Hindi naman sya iyakin di lang pasensyoso. Matured na ang bata including his thing (well compared to the other three).

TULIro #2: Aka Mardy (Wardy pa nga ang rinig ko). Dose anyos daw sya. Semi bleeder. Unang nahawakan ko. Kasi sabi ko kay len ako na ang maglalagay ng gasa. Syempre bago lagyan ng gasa e dapat lagyan ng betadine. Haha! Nahalata ata ni len na di ko hinahawakan! Nasabihan tuloy ako na "Lorraine, hawakan mo!" Sori naman.

TULIro # 3: Aka Allen. 12 years old. 1st and 2nd anesthesia given by me. Ung pangatlo nailabas ko ang karayom. (Binitawan ko na rin at hinayaang c len ang magpatuloy). Kahit kailangan pang hilahin ang balat, malinis naman and batang ito. Ako dapat ang gugupit e kaso kelangan kong tumakbo para kumuha ng bagong Mayo scissors dahil ang purol ng nasa amin! kawawang bata! Iyakin pa naman.

TULIro #4: Aka Arny. 11 years old. Sya ang di ko makakalimutang bata in my entire future career. Hindi lang dahil his future was in my hands, no. Paano ba naman sa tagal kumuha ng gamit ni len pinahubad ko na ng shorts ang bata at pinahiga na rin. Nakikinikinita ko ng malaki ang support group ng batang to sa labas ng classroom dahil ang ingay nila nung pinahubad ko na ang bata. Pero, cge, higa ang bata. Taas ang shirt. Ako, cge, linis lang kahit napansin ko na. D ko na natiis. Sumesenyas na ko kay len. Akala ko naintindihan nya ako na ang sinasabi ko: kasing taba lang at kalahati lang ng hintuturo ko ang penis ng bata. Baka kelangan doktor na talga ang gumawa ng procedure. Nangingisi na talaga ako. Nung katabi ko na c len nagtatago na ako sa kanya kasi di ko na talaga mapigilan ipakita ang 32 sets of teeth ko. Aba hindi nagggloves c Len. Cge ako anesthesia. Hayaan nyong isisi ko sa undergrad course ko ang nangyari. Tinuruan kasi kame sa Public Health mag venipuncture at mag blood let. In short, mag hit ng blood vessel at kumuha ng dugo. Hayun, pag aspirate ko (para icheck ko kung may natamaan nga ako) may dugo na nga. Binitawan ko na ang syringe. C len na ulit. Galing ko no? Akala ko di ko makikita ang ulo kasi ang liit nga. Super dikit ng gloves ko pati dahil sa betadine. Pero kahihila ko lumitaw din ang ulo. Pean clamp, retract, one kelly clamp on one side (umaroy na c arny!), another kelly clamp on one side (nasasaktan na talaga sya), release pean clamp, cut, stitch. Habang pinipigil ko ang nginig ng kamay ko at habang nararamdaman ko naman ang nginig ng paa ni arny, tinatry kong ayusin ang tahi ko at pigilan ang dugo. (Teka ano nga bang tawag sa needle holder na un? Hala balibaligtad na ata ang terms ko). Lumuluha na talga sya dahil iba talaga ang iyak nya. Buti na lang may dumating at na appreciate ko talga ang words of comfort nya para kay arny. Tinanong ko ang batang lalaki yun kung kaano ano nya c arny. Kapit bahay daw nya. Grabe. Hay..Natouch talga ako nun. Hanggang natapos ako sa ginagawa kong karumaldumal kay arny andun sya at sobrang may care and concern talga ang mga salita nya kay arny. Sana ako din, tuwing dadatnan ako may magcocomfort sa akin ng ganun lalo na pag inatake ulit ako ng dysmenorrheang pamatay sa sakit na nag undergo pa ako ng tests for appendicitis last time.

Low back pain talga pagkatapos nito. Pag uwi ko deretso kame sa simbahan. Blessing in disguise para mapagdasal ko ang mga batang to. Na hindi nila kame masisi pag sumasakit na, pag nagkaproblema cla sa sexual life nila in the future. Sa totoo lang d ako nakaconcentrate sa misa. Sorry po..(Tama nga cnabi ng frend ko na baka d na ko makatulog ngaun). Naisip ko pano pag laki nila. Naisip ko ung 2 oblation run na napanuod ko. Kung magiging ganun kaya ang itsura nun pag laki nila. Kung papano. Medyo natigil lang ako ng naisip ko na mas maeexplain ko ang mga bagay in the future dahil marami pa akong makikita. Grabe talaga. My imagination is hunting me. Mga green minded tumigil kau! Scientific ang iniisip ko ha.

Ngayon napatunayan ko, habang tumatagal sumeselan ako. Minsan kinikilabutan na ako pag nagkakasugat ako at ang kapatid ko. Kanina mas pinili ko ang minute burger kesa sa kesong palaman na meryenda namin sa med mission.D ko kinaya e. Pero nung nasa gitna na ako ng minute burger may tumayo atang sampung balahibo sa balat ko dahil may ketsup ang meaty minute burger ko. Pero dahil gutom ako dedma lang. Dati puro tae ang pinag aaralan namin pero ok lang. Ngayon bkit ganto ko???

Hay..malaki talga ang pasasalamat ko kay len na nagsama sa akin sa 1st Mission Tuli ko...

AAAA!!!!

2006-03-18T17:30:00.000+08:00

meron lang akong natagpuan...http://pinggoy.livejournal.com/--> c Papa Ping!!!

Kanya Kanyang Kaadikan

2006-03-06T18:02:00.000+08:00

Hay..grabe...dahil sa Sweet 18, the best love story I ever watched, e kung ano ano ng gusto kong gawin sa buhay. Sa totoo lang nakakainspire talga...

Tong reel and real couple na to grabe adik biglang payat! hay...greatest wish ko: makabili ng album ni Lee Dong Gun. Sana matupad ko to bago pa man unti unting maglaho tong kaadikan ko...

Garapata Climb

2006-03-06T17:39:00.001+08:00

Hehe...ito muna ang malalagay ko...tagal kc e..
nasa kalahati pa lang ako ng pader na yan..pero pangalawa na yan...sa sobrang hirap, nagkapasma ako sa kamay ng di oras..lahat ng pawis ko pumunta sa kamay ko at sa gilid na ako humahawak di na sa mismong bato...hay...

pero ang saya...challenge ito...

Nang Magkasala Ako

2006-03-03T22:52:00.000+08:00

Noong gabing umaakyat ng pico de loro si ighie, umaakyat naman ako sa pader! Dalawang pader ang inakyat ko pero di ko natapos...karmado ata ako kc usapan namin nila angela at ighie e sabay sabay kameng mag wall climbing...pero mapapalampas ko ba ang bente pesos, 2 walls, sa UP fair? Pasensya na, hindi e...

Friendster Messages

2005-12-29T10:03:00.000+08:00

Dec 21, 2005
She wrote:
hi!tagal na natin di text ah..btw, nagchange pala ako ng cell #..di na kasi ako nakapagtext sa mga tao eh. balita ko med ka na daw ah..congrats po!anyway, kaya ngayon lang ako nakapangamusta sayo kasi hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo. mejo affected pa rin ako na naging boyfriend ko si ivan, eh hindi na kita nakausap before i made the decision. sabi mo nmn kasi non, wala na...pero syempre, kahit papaano ako yung pinuntahan mo nun. isip ko lang, baka nagalit ka sa kin. sorry tlg kung ganun.. if ever nagalit ka man, i don't know kung ano dapat kung gawin, but il be willing to try.. sorry tlg po...

Dec 28, 2005 around 8pm
I wrote:
uy!! ngaun ko lang nabasa ang msg mo..ngaun lang kc ako nkapgcheck..alam kong alam mo na di mo kelangan magsorry..pero di ko masasabing wala lang un.. masakit..sobra..at hangang ngaun may effect pa rin ang mga nangyari..hindi ko na kelangan isa isahin lahat di ba para magkaroon ka ng pangit na feeling na sa totoo ayokong mangyari sau..kaya nga ayoko munang magparamdam sau kc baka mgtrigger un ng pangit na pkiramdam sa part mo..kaya cguro hnhntay lang kita..kung kelan ka handang pagusapan natin ang tungkol dito..at sobrang naappreciate ko talga to..sobrang salamat

sori kung nabibigatan ka pag naalala mo ko..pero sana wag mo na akong isipin..be happy!!! kung maalala mo man ako gusto ko maalala mo ako na baby mo at ikaw forever na mame ko..okei

alam kong ur so in love with each other ngaun..at di naman ako masamang tao para iwish otherwise (ang panget ng sentence construction ko pero sana gets mo ung sinasabi ko)..

grabe ang hrap ng med kaya wala na talga ako panahon para magdwell sa mga panget na feelings na dala ng puso na settled na nman oki..basta ipromise mo sa akin na ul do everything para magng masaya ka.. at saglit di ako nagalit nun...pero syempre may point na nagtanung ako kung bkit di mo ako nabalitaan..in time, naintindhan ko din ang lahat..

belated meri xmas at hapi new year sa inyo!!!

Dec 28, 2005 9:07 pm
She wrote:
hindi na kita nabalitaan noon kasi natakot nga ako..syempre biglaan din yun..di ko naman plano yun eh. naisip ko na rin nun, kayalang..if ever meron pa nga...ano ba yun? adding insult to injury pa ba? gusto kita puntahan noon sa PH, pero at the same time umiwas din ako sa pagpunta doon. kasi kahit ilang beses ko ipractice kung anong sasabihin ka'yo, mas natakot ako sa magiging reaction mo sa balita ko. ngaun lang ako nagkarron ng lakas ng loob na magparamdam sau kasi baka ok na sau. wag ka magalala, masaya po ako...ito na lang kasi yung bumabagabag sa akin dahil hindi ko alam kung nagalit ka ba o hindi. babalik na ako mla sa january...sana kita nmn tau to relive our mami-bebe days! kung ok lang sau..goodluck sa med..alam kong kaya mo yan! andito lang ako para sau..

Dec 29, 2005 10:12 am
I wrote:
Cge..sana lang free ako nun..anung bgo mong #?Meron ka pa bang # ko?

Pambihira!

2005-11-27T15:49:00.000+08:00

Naiinis na ako sa iyo..
(nagjump sa chorus)
Wag mo na sana akong pahirapan pa!
(hinto)

Yan lang mga linyang yan galing sa kanta ng parokya ang tumutugtog sa utak ko!
Di na kc kaya ng powers kong pagandahin tong blog ko. Kung ano ano na ang ginawa ko sa template ko kung ano anong codes na rin ang inimbento ko. Pero ayaw nyang sumunod! Kailangan ko na talaga ng divine intervention sa pamamagitan ng mga nilalang na tarok ng mga isipan nila ang paligoy ligoy sa mundong to..

Nung mga isang linggo lang nakukuha ko pa ang paggamit ng frontpage at habang nsa byahe ako naiisip ko na ang pwede kong gawin. Ngayon ngayon lang, ewan, kelangan ko ulit idecipher ang frontpage..

Hindi ko naman hangad na maging bongacious ang blog ko! gusto ko lang maglagay ng pix sa gilid ng sidebar! tsaka palitan ang header ko..un lang! Wala ng iba!

Sa kasawian ko tuloy na papost ako ng di oras e.

Simpleng panawagan lang to sa mga nagmamalasakit sa aking katinuan..hehhehe

The Voice

2005-11-14T14:42:00.000+08:00

It was quarter past nine and the supermarket had just begun its Sunday work with just three handfuls of shoppers. I was walking, but almost running from the other side of the supermarket, while trying to keep my eyes open when I barely heard a kid crying as if shouting. Instinctively, I followed the voice and saw the kid running as fast as he could. I saw my sister running after him and so I ran after them. He was shouting, crying and running all at the same time. My ears failed me what he was shouting until I got closer to him. He was calling out, ‘Mommy!! Mommy!! Mommy!!’

As my sister caught up with the running pace of our youngest brother, she immediately grabbed and embraced him to give some comfort for the ‘lost’ soul. I saw streams of tears in his face making his eyes almost bloodshot. I thought he was trembling. We brought him to the meat section where my mother and brother were. He wasn’t done crying. Sobbing, he told us ‘Iniwan nyo ko e.’ Being the primary cause of the incident, I answered ‘Ikaw kaya nang-iwan sa amin!’

I think every grown up’s memory of his childhood won’t be as complete without the traumatic (sadly, for almost all) experience of getting lost in a market, supermarket, toy store or department store.

As for my brother, I had the opportunity of giving him this experience. Though, he didn’t realize that I was the one who let him ran away so that in a few minutes he’d feel left off, he remembered ‘na inaaway ko sya.’

My youngest brother and I were in the drinks section. I wanted to see if I could try some new flavored drink. But I couldn’t do my thing coz he was climbing up the cart and I was afraid the cart would fall over him. So after I removed him away from the cart, I walked to get some glimpse of the Aloe drink. I heard him run away from me. Thinking he’ll find his way to my mom and brother or see my sister some sections away I didn’t follow him. In the first place, though SM supermarket is relatively big, there were no hundreds of shoppers yet.

Though in doubt of seeing him with my mom and brother, I still asked my bro, ‘Asan si Gio?’ He replied, ‘Di ba kasama mo?’ I turned around and saw my sister, ‘ Si Gio?’ Annoyingly, she answered, ‘Ewan ko kayo kasama e.’ I went away in pursuit of our youngest brother followed by my sister towards the opposite direction.

It took us no more than 3 minutes to locate him. His genetically-inherited powerful voice stood out and that became our map into finding him. For a minute he was a head turner in the SM Bacoor Supermarket.

We bought him a Chuckie, a Moo and a grape-flavored Sunkist.

With my hand on my heart-farewell.

Homecoming

2005-11-03T18:02:00.000+08:00

Di ko na matandaan kung kelan ako huling nakadaan ng bamboo organ. Pero di lang pang labas na kaanyuan ang nagbago. Sa mga josephians siguradong maalala nyo naman to di ba?

Hala mag sawa tau sa pag reminisce. Eto di na to ang dating gym, ito ay isa ng hall. pwede na daw rentahan para sa mga parties.

Eto hulaan nyo kung saan. Akala ko reception area to e. Canteen pala ng elementary.

Ehem..Magbago man lahat ng yan, tong dalawang to ano kaya? Forever Cute Friends!

On Love

2005-10-31T13:00:00.000+08:00

Kung si Ay-gee may tanong na When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Ako merong When was the last time na naramdaman mong nasa dibdib mo ang puso mo? [Anatomically, in between sya ng 4th – 8th thoracic vertebra mo posteriorly at 2nd-6th costal cartilages mo anteriorly. Excuse lang kelangan ko lang yan matandaan for the rest of my life e].

Ako kahapon lang e.

Nagkukutingting ako nun sa taas ng bahay.

Lorraine…?

Ako ba yun?

Lorraine…?

Shet! Sya ba yun? Ang sakit ng puso ko! Yung feeling bago mo maramdaman na natatae ka pag kinakabahan ka. [Siguro sobrang pump ng oxygenated blood ko papuntang ascending aorta ko.]

Lorraine…?

Parang naiipit ang utak ko! [Nastretch siguro ang dura at pia mater ko!] Teka!! Magsusuklay na ba ako? Anong gingawa nya dito? Bababa na ba ako? Pano nya nalaman bahay namin? Shet!

Lorraine..?

Saglit lang po! Sigaw ng kapatid ko. Narinig ko syang tumayo. Sabi ko ang tagal naman umakyat nun! LALAINE!! May tao! Nyak! Tricycle driver pala ng pinsan ko.

Hanep! Anong nangyari sa akin? Ngayon lang ulit to a! Pagnakikita ko si Chito naalala ko sya, pagbinabanggit ang pangalan ni Diether sa Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin syempre pumapasok sya sa isip ko, sa frendster ok lang sa akin pag nakikita ko na masaya sila. Pero ngayon lang ulit nagbehave ang heart of mine ng ganito. Boses lang pala ang katapat ko!

Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin. Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko…

How can your heart forget the very first man who claimed you as his heaven? Maybe it can’t. It won’t.

WHAT THE EYES CANNOT SEE, THE HEART CAN FEEL.AND WHAT THE MIND FORGETS, THE HEART WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER

Napasaya. Kinilig. Nasaktan ng sukdulan. Naging bitter. Nang lumaon nawala ang pain. Naging better but still hoping. Nang makitang astig na couple sila at nalaman masaya sila pareho, nasaktan. Umiyak sa harap ng computer. Pinalipas ang panahon. Huminto sa pag iyak dahil don. Found myself just happy for them. Now I’m just too amazed how could I still love him when I no longer hope and see him with me again. We were never really together as couple. But we know we shared a very special thing we never talked about even until this very moment.

Nagbitaw man ako ng salita na pag pumasa ako sa 1st shifting exam ko sa biochem sasabihin ko sa mahal kong mahal ko sya, hanggang dito lang talaga ang kaya ko. Hanggang dito lang talaga ang pwede. Hanggang dito lang ang freedom of speech ko. At least I am trying to build a bridge between us bahala na siguro si God sa iba.

I am not desperate to get a guy. Hanggang ngaun naniniwala pa rin ako na it's better to try not to think of it. Pag inisip mo mapapahintay ka. Malulungkot ka pag di dumating. Hayaan mo lang. Ibang kaso pag naramdaman mong mahal ka rin nya, ung as in no doubt, obvious talaga. Dun ka na mag-isip.

Sabi sa Sassy Girl fate is building bridges between you and the one you love.

Sabi sa Innocent Step, ang fireflies after mareach ang maturity sisimulan na nilang maghintay para sa firefly na makakasama nila for the rest of their cycle. Though may analogy na ganyan para sa love sa story, at the end they refute the behavior of fireflies. Sabi minsan you don’t just wait kelangan mo puntahan at lapitan ang taong sa tingin mo ay para sau.

Sabi ni Fa Won sa Meteor Garden, nakaset sa human genome na three years lang tatagal ang pag-ibig sa puso ng tao. Wla lang gusto ko lang ilagay.

Ayan, sa kakapanuod ko ng Korean movies at tv series na may laging scene na tumatakbo ng mabilis ang guy sa paghahabol sa girl nila, napapadaydream tuloy ako kung meron kayang hahabol sa akin ng ganun..parang sa Meteor Garden din. Kung ako siguro si God nabatikan ko na ang sarili ko! Di talga ako marunong mag-appreciate ng blessing!

Parang pinapagsabihan nya ko: Hindi mo man lang naalala ung hinabol ka ni ___! Nagkunyari ka pa ngang di mo sya nakita! Nagkunyari ka pang di mo nararamdaman na walang humahabol sau! Lumingon ka lang nung nasa tabi mo na sya at tinanong ka kung saan ka magmemed! NapaWAAAAAHHH nga sya nung sinabi mong PLM dib a!! Nalaman mo dun din pala kc sya magmemed! Tuliro sya nung maghiwalay kau! O wag masyadong assuming!

Ngayon! Sya na nga ang unang bumati sayo ng magkita kau ng PLM! You knew he was smiling when he called you Lorieeeeee! Pero anong ginanti mo isang pekeng smile sabay talikod!!! Sinong di malulungkot sa ginawa mo?! At ang courage nya nung paringgan ka nya sa OM na Si Lorie di na namamansin di mo man lang na-appreciate! At anong sagot mo?! BC KA! What a lame excuse?! Bakit pag nakakasalubong mo ba sya lagging nakazipper ang bibig mo para mag HI at immovable ba ang ulo mo para di man lang makatango?! Hay! Ang batang ito!

How could I make others understand when I myself couldn’t explain to myself why I am still too afraid?

Afraid for love to fade before it can come true

With my hand on my heart-farewell.

By Request

2005-10-30T17:25:00.000+08:00

Sabi ni Avie magpost naman daw ako ng masaya. Masyado daw madrama mga pinost ko. Hay..Syempre ako naman khit nalungkot ako kc I don’t mean to have a blog with a melodramatic effect nagising ako sa katotohanan na medyo seryoso nga ang mga entries ko.

Syempre..pinilit ko talga mag-isip…WALA!

Ok. I told myself Think of happy thoughts.
Kaboom!!!

Frames of me and my barkada writing on a book flash on my mind. The book would be a surprise gift for Layra, our payatot kabarkada. Joyce wrote first Think of happy thoughts. I write next Think of me. Tapos si Dyan Think of me too. Tapos c Cathy Think of us.

Sa Dentistry lang kame lahat lahat nagkakilala. Ngayon, dalawa na lang sa amin ang may pangarap magkalkal ng ngipin ng iba, c Cathy at c Layra. Si Joyce Food Tech sa Diliman. Pati c Dyan na super henyo sa chem nasa Diliman Chem Eng. Ako at c Portia PH tapos Med ngayon.

Last last week lang kame ulit nagkita kita sa apartment ni Lay. Di kame kumpleto pero nagluto pa rin c Joyce ng putahe ng barkada. Wala pa yung pangalan pero super duper todo sarap nun. Secret recipe un. Like a pact among us. Actually, wala ngang pact kc wala naman kming demands sa bawat isa. First time namin un kinain sa Jollibee nung first year. Bigla na lang may dala c Joyce na parang kaldero isang araw tapos bumili na lang kami ng rice dun sa Jollibee.

Nakakamiss talga ang pag-upo sa escalator, ang pagtawag sa isa’t isang tanga, ang matagal na pag-iisip kung saan kakain na ang kahahantungag lang e fave na Chowking sa taas ng rob, ang paglalakad sa faura pagkatapos ng ulan tapos sabay hatak ng mga sanga ng halaman para mabasa kame, ang pag silay sa crush ng bawat isa, ang pag-upo sa mga sahig, ang pag-uusap na para bang nasa bundok, ang pag memake face pag may topak ang isa at ang mga birthday surprises.

Nag-umpisa un sa bday ko e, first year. Lantern parade. Mga ilang araw bago ang bday ko may time na ayaw nila akong palabasin ng Physics room namin. On the Big day, ginulat ako ni Joyce. Tumawag. Nasa Imus daw sya. Sbi ko cge nga saan sa Imus. Aba ang loka nadescribe ng tama ang paligid nya, nasa Imus nga. Nagtanong lang sya ng palatandaan ng bahay namin. Maya maya nasa harap na ng bahay namin ang bruha. Medyo nainis ang mga kabarkada ko nun sa kanya kc nadelay daw ang plano. Pero para sa akin super duper galing nun. Naalala lang ni Joyce kung anong sinasakyan kong bus tapos nung andun na sya tinanong lang nya kung saan sya bababa para makapunta sa baryo namin.

At un nga dahil Lantern Parade kaylangan nasa PGH parking lot kame. Super excited sila. Sabi ni Lay tatawagin lang nya ang frend nya. Sobrang tagal! Daming excuses! Maya maya may humaplos ng buhok ko. Pag talikod ko e nasa harap ko na ang long lost crush ko ng grade 4 ako. Kinapalan na nila ang mukha nila nung physics time namin na lapitan sya at magtanong kung sya nga ba sya at kung kilala nya ba ako. Ayun nakipagsabwatan na ang loko. Inabot nya ung gift ng barkada ko para sa akin at super 2 mins na kwentuhan. Sobrang bilis lang nun pero what happened during the following days and months and years because of that surprise is really overwhelming for an innocent heart. But is still deserving to be treasured forever.

Imbentuhan lang ng gimik pag may bday. Nakakaloka! Adventure talga! Kelangan magaling kang mag pretend! Magaling magsinungaling! Magaling magtago! Magaling magpigil ng tawa! Creativity may not count but acting ability certainly does.

Nakilala namin si Maegan Young nung 18th bday ni Cathy sa Gapo. First cousin nya un e.

Nakakilala kami ng maraming lalaki sa paghahanap para sa 18 roses ni Lay na kung saan saan sumusulpot para ibigay ang roses. Medyo nainis nga ung histo prof naming dahil laging may kumakatok na lalaki sa rum.. Di ko pa nun nakikilala ang major crush ni Lay pero I mustered all the courage from all my organs para kausapin un. Medyo nainis c Lay pero wala syang panama sa powers ko magdrama na gusto lang namin syang maging masaya. Hahahaha.

Pag bday ni Joyce at Dyan sugod lang kame sa Diliman! Kunyari wala kaming plano. Pero aun gumugulong na kami sa Sunken Garden at kumakain ng isaw at umiinom ng gulaman. Sarap!

Si Celica, model na sya ngaun. Di un masyadong nagpaparamdam kaya minsan lang namin makasama. Pero barkada yan. Yan ang pambato naming sa Physics at Math pati sa kamalditahan. Sa bahay nila kame laging sumusugod pero never pa ko nakasama.

Si Portia lagi talga yun walang kamuwang muwang. Na overhaul na naming ang celfone nya inosente pa rin. Nasa Uste sya ngaun. Two years na kameng war pero alam ko andyan lang sya at alam kong alam din nyang andito lang ako.

Hay…Sana kahit mga propesyonal man kame o taong grasa ganto pa rin kame.

Ano , Avie? Alam ko nakakalungkot pa rin to pero just thinking of them really puts a big smile on my face.

With my hand in my heart-farewell.

Books

2005-10-30T10:39:00.000+08:00

I’ve been wondering long enough if there’s a book authored by a Filipino and was published internationally. Though, I haven’t asked anyone about this.

At the same time, I have been promising myself of reading my father’s books. I felt that he’s been sad because he thought none of his children has put an interest on reading his books. I know the feeling because I placed my own books where I thought my siblings can easily see, grab and read one. This strategy of introducing them to novels is to no avail. They have other interests. After letting my books acquire brown yellow pigments, I returned them to the shelf where they can be safe. Anyway my precious time allowed me to grab one of his books just now.

I have been eyeing his F. Sionil Jose’s Rosales Novels for a long time. My father bought this book after reading the national artist’s Ermita which is actually mine and which has the author’s signature on it.

I have already read his Ermita (borrowed from a friend) before my dormmates and I met him in his book store La Solidaridad along Padre Faura. Being just first years we were really proud and honored to have met him. Because I really want something to remind me of that very moment and, well, to show off I impulsively and hopelessly bought his book and have him sign it. After that signing session, we had a small conversation. I still remember him saying Study hard for our country ha. I run as fast as my foot can carry me back to our dorm leaving my dorm mates in the store to get my camera. But when I headed for the store I met my dorm mates and told me that his driver arrived already and fetched him. Aww..

I chose Tree from the Rosales Novels. Before I read a book it is my habit of browsing the first pages. What surprised me is that what I am looking for is just under my nose, in my father’s shelves! What more is I have already read one. All of F. Sionil’s novels were already published internationally!

Astig no?!

With my hand on my heart-farewell

Daddy-Long-Legs

2005-10-30T10:28:00.000+08:00

Daddy-Long-Legs

I have seen the Korean movie and of course the tv series first before I have read the book. Actually Jhulles just gave me the site. I went to the site, copied and pasted the whole article on word (landscape, 2 columns), printed it, cut the paper crosswise and glued on one edge. Tana! Book na sya! Isang higaan ko lang tapos ko na basahin!

The story is imparted by just presenting all the letters of Judy Abbott to Mr. John Smith/Daddy-Long-Legs. The book is really short but the content is way beyond its length. There are so many good ideas shared by Jean Webster (author)-new ones, ones you should be reminded of, and the ones that would put you on a good disposition towards life. I’m just a little bit confused on her faith. In the story Judy doesn’t believe in the phrase The Lord’s will be done. For her free will is a big something. On the contrary, her actions show she believes in salvation.

Nevertheless, I still place my hands on the ground for Jean Webster.

Btw, I got a good ending for my entries. Jean got this from Stevenson and I got it from her.

With my hand in my heart – farewell.

Galing!

2005-10-23T23:29:00.000+08:00

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff.
You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas.
However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

ISANG PANGAKO

2005-10-23T22:48:00.000+08:00

Unang-una, wala talagang certainty sa lahat ng bagay. Kung alam mo na lahat at mga tamang desisyon sa buhay then wala ng room for faith o pagtitiwala sa Kanya. Kung lahat ng bagay ay nakalahad, then wala ng excitement, di ba ang buhay ay isang paglalakbay? Stage ito ng pagtitiwala at pagkakaroon ng moment na may surprise Siya sayo. Kung alam mo na kung saan ka tatahak then di na yun surprise. Araw-araw may surprise Siya sayo. Gaya ng sinabi ng maraming tao sa akin, dinasal mo na ba ang bagay na ito? Eto nakakalimutan ko rin. Kasi sa huli, ang desisyon na ito ay stronger kung its between Him and you and not you and them. Kung ano man ang desisyon mo, di ibig sabihin tapos na dahil nakapagdecide ka na. Araw-araw itetest yan at mag-iisiip ka kung tama ba ang naging desisyon mo. Kung ang desisyon mo ay nakabasi lamang sa demands ng country, sa gusto ng family, sa pride ng clan, at sa karamihang kinukuha ng batch then you will grow weary...mapapagod ka. Hindi kayang i-sustain ng pressure ng batch mo ang pagmed. Dati nag-aaral talaga ko for my family, nung nag-iisa nalang ako, narealize ko na lilipas din pala, matapos maabot ang pride ng clan - dadaan din lang pala.

Mapapagod ka kung iisipin mo na gusto mong tulungan ang bayan dahil di mo mapapas-an ang lahat ng problema ng bayan, mafrufrustrate ka. Hindi maiiwasan na magsasawa ka sa pagtulong. Kung natetest ang ano mang desisyon mo mas mainam, sa tingin ko, na nasusustain ito dahil may pangako ka sa Kanya at tutuparin mo ito. Ang alam ko kasi, Siya lang talaga ang naging constant sa buhay ko at tinitry kong i-rely ang lahat ng mga desisyon at gagawin ko sa kanya. Si mother Teresa nagsawa din yata yun sa pagtulong pero dahil may pangako siya, hindi siya nawalan ng pag-asa at lakas.

Sabi nga ng dating speaker namin, kung Siya lang ang pagbabasihan then magiging simply ang lahat ng desisyon. At sigurado na kung ano man ang desisyon mo sa buhay, taas-noo mo itong isigaw sa bayan dahil ito ay isang PANGAKO at tutulong Siya sa pagpapatupad ng pangakong ito. Kung sa tingin mo hindi mo natupad ang pangakong ito, hindi ka pa rin talo, dahil alam mo na ginawa mo ito para sa Kanya dahil kung tutuusin ang lahat ng lakas natin ay dapat nakatuun para sa Kanya.

Reply to sa akin ni Kuya Jason na clerk sa UP-PGH ngaun. Nakasama ko sya nung madeploy kame sa Mindoro. Isa sya sa mga pinaka astig na taong nakilala ko kaya nagconfide ako sa kanya habang nag-aapply ako sa mga med schools. Nung mga panahong nagugulumihanan ako.

Sa mga interviews ko pag tinatanong ako kung bkit ko gusto mag med ito ang sinasagot ko..because I made a promise. Minsan natanong ako: To whom? Sagot ko:To God and to my father. Kasi naman wala ako kamuwang muwang naalala pala ng tatay ko nung nangako ako sa kanya nung grade five ako na magiging isa akong doktor. Ako nga di ko un maalala. Napsych man ako ng tatay ko wala akong pakialam. Ang nag struck sa akin e ganun katindi ang kagustuhan nya na pag-aralin ako dahil naalala nya pa un hangang ngaun. May follow up question pa pag sinasagot ko to sasabihin ng doctor-interviewer: I believe God only wants the best for you, your happiness. He doesn't want to push you to do anything you don't want and to promise anything to Him. Sagot ko: I f this is the only idea that would keep me going onto pursuing my dream to be a doctor, then I will cling to it. Because for me it's really hard to break a promise especially when you made it in the name of God.

Medicine 101

2005-10-22T22:39:00.000+08:00

Nakalkal ko sa pseudo diary ko where I write my deepest of emotions and where I talk to myself in English. Original piece duplicated including grammatical errors. No alterations made. I just placed my comments in braces.

Is this how it feels to be running out of sanity?

Depression? Sadness? Frustration? Hopelessness? Am I on the verge of losing my sanity? I hope not. I don’t want to be one of those medical students believed to be intellectually endowed [or am I] but emotionally naïve [I’m sure I’m not].

Emptiness and lack of meaning of existence succumb to my being for a moment. These made me ask God to take me. I have asked Him this several times. [It started the moment I took my first long exam in medicine].

I may have heard Him tell me why I am here. I heard Him. But I don’t want to hear Him more. Denial.

Before I stepped on this very path I am now taking, I am sure of what I want to become. This image of me has been gradually created by years of dreams, aspirations and of idealism. Back then, I don’t believe it was idealism. Because I believed I can [do everything] with God’s grace and guidance.

Only four months have passed, but it seems I am beginning to loosen my grip of this image I painted several years ago. I prepared myself for sleepless nights and for BIG BOOKS. But what I failed to prepare myself for is giving up [thinking of] the things that make me alive, awake and driven. Or do I really have to sacrifice those things?

Med School has made my mind passive. In a sense that, it just take in and process technical terms and principles.

Wait. Is this where I wanna go?

I wanna say yes because I am already here and I don’t want to give another heartache [and headache] to my parents.

But my eyes see me somewhere. Places I have never been to... I wanna be everything I can become. To see God’s creations in various points of view…But for how long would I become this kind of traveler, jack of all trades [ am I? I’m crazy], no permanent position, no single mission in life…or is that my very mission, my very purpose on earth? To experience, to touch, to see, to free, to hear, to smell almost if not all of God’s beauty.

But how would I be able to do this? That’s when medicine enters the picture. Financial freedom while serving the people. [Financial freedom???]

My head is in a jam.

Medicine should give you time to think not of technical stuff but of other things you know are the most important that will keep you going, that will keep your mind and soul alive, awake and driven and sane. But don’t think too long…[I can’t coz I have to study]

These past four months, I allowed myself to lose everything I am passionate about. Photography, Filipinos, people and God.

[Maybe God just spoke through me..through my hands. For what follows is this:]

Well, I feel blessed again…

Kelangan ko lang talaga paminsan minsan huminto at mag self talk. Kahit di ko na buuin ang kwento maiintidihan ko pa rin kung anong nararamdaman at naiisip ko dahil ako lang yun at wala ng iba. Alam ko na ang buong istorya at nakukuha ko na ang sagot di pa man un lumalabas sa bibig ko o sinusulat ng kamay ko.

I absolutely have no intention of giving a bad impression on medicine o palalain pa ang tingin ng ibang tao dito o idiscourage man ang mga potential medicine students sa pagkaloka kong to. E bkit ko pa to ipopost? E ke pa’t nag blog ako! Kidding aside, self explanatory na yan! At least for myself.

Inspired by Andro and Angela

2005-10-20T12:32:00.000+08:00

You are an adventure seeker. Almost nothing can be
to exiting or extreme for you. You don't really
like to sit still, though you can... if you
really have too. You dream of the things you
want to reach, want to see, want to feel, and
that is wonderful! If you have a goal set, you
will go for it no matter what. If it's big or
small! Your friends are most likely just like
you, or the complete opposite. I mean, someone
has to keep you with your feet on the ground!
If it's not your devotion to things, or your
hope, your greatest blessing are the people who
love you. Eventhough you want to reach great
things and have your head in the clowds, you
know you have some great people who will catch
you if you fall out of your little dream world.
Motto; Those who give up never know how close they
were to reaching what they desired.

Who are you inside? (detailed and yes, with pics!)
brought to you by

The Secret Garden

2005-10-20T10:35:00.000+08:00

Years ago I have convinced myself to have classic novels on top of my books-to-read. Well, first of all they are already obviously classic. Everybody surely knows what it means. For practical reasons, they are cheaper than contemporary ones.

I finished reading Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden after a day and a night.

I’ve been looking for it since the day I remembered the feeling of watching “Ang Lihim na Hardin” on tv. Its title The Secret Garden already brings out curiosity of how would its original novel tickle my imagination as I unstoppably turn page after page. I was really excited to be reminded of the feeling books give me. I did not let go of the enthusiasm of reaching that point as I read The Secret Garden from start to finish.

But as I noticed that there’s just one page left of the story, I was sure that I was disappointed. I knew there is climax but I didn’t feel it. There was no combination of emotions effected.

There’s just one positive feeling strengthened in me. But Lois Lowry, who wrote the introduction for the book, and me had opposing views. She emphasized on who the readers might want to be among Mary, Colin and Dickon. Her daughter wanted to be a demanding manipulative invalid while she wanted to be Mary. I wanted to be Dickon. HOWEVER, Lois almost forgot of this character for she “postponed much mention of him” on her intro. She wrote “ he is simply monotonously good. We can stand him. We even like him. But we don’t want to be him; nobody wants to be that saintly. It can’t be any fun.”

Honestly, I half-finished reading her intro so I just returned on reading it after I had finished reading the story itself. I wanted to be Dickon not only because he is an animal charmer, he has a green thumb and he sings well but because he has a very thoughtful mother and fascinating siblings. I do not say I don’t have these. My family is not perfect nor close to perfect. But I won't have any other but them. If I want to be someone I’d rather be someone who’s got his family even they are financially nothing compared to others.

But thanks to Lois’ observation on Dickon I found the right word for the story. It is MONOTONOUS.

I think I should see the movie.

According to Burnett, Magic is all around. People just don't know how to make it happen. Colin made it happen by repeatedly saying and doing what he wants to be until he was able to walk straight and won the a running race against Mary.

I can also make it happen..kahit ako na lang ata ang hindi pumapasang Physio ngayon..PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO...PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO..PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO...

excited

2005-06-13T16:03:00.000+08:00

Pansin ba? Lang title yung previous entry.

Kung sakaling makalimot lang ako at malulong ng husto sa pag-aaral, gusto kong may magpaalala sa akin na di lang pagdodoktor ang pangarap ko sa buhay. Marami pang iba. Sana kahit walang napupulot sa blog ko simula ng isilang ito sa mundo na ito (na naging sanhi kung bakit wala ng naglilink sa akin), may makabasa nito para naman may magpaalala sa akin (sana di ako kantyawan)at baka matulungan pa akong abutin ang mga dreams na ito.

Order based on feasibility:
1. recycling center/junk shop (di ung madungis a). Ewan ko ba basurera ata ako nung ipis pa ako. Junk shop muna pero papers lang. Ayoko ng bote at bakal, plastic pwede pa. Hay naku, gusto ko nga sa mga naging dorms ko at schools ako magcollect ng papers e. Lalagyan ko ng boxes every strategic place kasi ung mga bata ngayon kelangan idudulot mo pa ang tamang lalagyan e. Kapag marami na kong pera, ako na ang kukuha nun sa mga lugar na un. (Basurera talaga!) Pwedeng ako na din ang mag strip nung mga papers. Bibili ako ng machine. Ako ang magsusupply sa mga gumagawa ng papel. Tapos kung alam ko na kung pano gumwa ng papers, ako naman ang magsusupply sa mga gumagawa ng pad papers and notebooks o kaya sa mga printing press.

seryoso ako. In fact simula ng college iniipon ko ung mga papers ko tapos pinagbibili ko sa magbobote. Tpos ung iba na pwede pang sulatan ung likod ginagawa kong notebook. I use padding glue. Hehe. Pwede ring elmer's glue na lang. Tapos I also suggested sa org ko na magkaroon ng parang paper drive pero within the org lang. Pinagbili namin sa diliman ung nacollect namin na papers.

2. Elementary teacher. Di ko alam kung pano pro gusto ko. Wala akong pasensya pero ewan ko ba. I am willing. siguro kukuha na lang ako ng certificate of education chuva sa diliman.

3. Bahay sa tabi ng beach. Kelangan may hammock.Gusto ko sa bohol. Pero ung type ng bahay is parang saud beach resort and restaurant sa pagudpud.

4. Hacienda. Malaking malaki. Sa pinaka rural area possible. o kahit hindi. Pwedeng magkatabi ung bahay sa tabi ng beach at ung hacienda.

Syempre in between ng lahat ng ito e ung happy family kahit hindi perfect pero trying to be perfect.

di ko wish na magtayo ng foundation pero i would be very willing to help a child go to school, financially. Ngayon sa public school lang ang kaya ko. siguro in the future, kapag sosyal na ko, financial aide for medical students who wants to serve here in the Philippines.

2005-06-12T23:54:00.000+08:00

May 3, 2005. Sa araw na iyon isinilang ang blog na ito. Mula nuon halos araw-araw akong nagchecheck ng blog at nagbabasa ng entries ng iba. Nakakaaliw makakuha ng ideas mula sa ibang tao. Sa mga pnahon ding iyon paulit ulit kong minake-over ang blog ko. Pero di ako nag popost.Ang haba kc ng mga nagagawa kong entries e baka mabore ang mga accidental readers. Kaya di ko sila pinopost.

Ngayon. First post ko ng isang makabuluhang entry.

Bukas. Lilipat na ko sa panglima kong dorm sa buong panahon na nag-aaral ako.

June 14, 2005. Orientation. PLM. Med.

Untitled

2005-05-03T16:03:00.001+08:00

This is a depressing day kaya pinaalis ko kapatid ko sa pc to check my email. Sabi ko saglit lang check ko lang mail ko. Well, I ended up chatting with julie, being introduced to the blog world (tama ba?),creating my own blog and posting for the first time.

Just trying..