Medicine 101

Nakalkal ko sa pseudo diary ko where I write my deepest of emotions and where I talk to myself in English. Original piece duplicated including grammatical errors. No alterations made. I just placed my comments in braces.

Is this how it feels to be running out of sanity?

Depression? Sadness? Frustration? Hopelessness? Am I on the verge of losing my sanity? I hope not. I don’t want to be one of those medical students believed to be intellectually endowed [or am I] but emotionally naïve [I’m sure I’m not].

Emptiness and lack of meaning of existence succumb to my being for a moment. These made me ask God to take me. I have asked Him this several times. [It started the moment I took my first long exam in medicine].

I may have heard Him tell me why I am here. I heard Him. But I don’t want to hear Him more. Denial.

Before I stepped on this very path I am now taking, I am sure of what I want to become. This image of me has been gradually created by years of dreams, aspirations and of idealism. Back then, I don’t believe it was idealism. Because I believed I can [do everything] with God’s grace and guidance.

Only four months have passed, but it seems I am beginning to loosen my grip of this image I painted several years ago. I prepared myself for sleepless nights and for BIG BOOKS. But what I failed to prepare myself for is giving up [thinking of] the things that make me alive, awake and driven. Or do I really have to sacrifice those things?

Med School has made my mind passive. In a sense that, it just take in and process technical terms and principles.

Wait. Is this where I wanna go?

I wanna say yes because I am already here and I don’t want to give another heartache [and headache] to my parents.

But my eyes see me somewhere. Places I have never been to... I wanna be everything I can become. To see God’s creations in various points of view…But for how long would I become this kind of traveler, jack of all trades [ am I? I’m crazy], no permanent position, no single mission in life…or is that my very mission, my very purpose on earth? To experience, to touch, to see, to free, to hear, to smell almost if not all of God’s beauty.

But how would I be able to do this? That’s when medicine enters the picture. Financial freedom while serving the people. [Financial freedom???]

My head is in a jam.

Medicine should give you time to think not of technical stuff but of other things you know are the most important that will keep you going, that will keep your mind and soul alive, awake and driven and sane. But don’t think too long…[I can’t coz I have to study]

These past four months, I allowed myself to lose everything I am passionate about. Photography, Filipinos, people and God.

[Maybe God just spoke through me..through my hands. For what follows is this:]

Well, I feel blessed again…

Kelangan ko lang talaga paminsan minsan huminto at mag self talk. Kahit di ko na buuin ang kwento maiintidihan ko pa rin kung anong nararamdaman at naiisip ko dahil ako lang yun at wala ng iba. Alam ko na ang buong istorya at nakukuha ko na ang sagot di pa man un lumalabas sa bibig ko o sinusulat ng kamay ko.

I absolutely have no intention of giving a bad impression on medicine o palalain pa ang tingin ng ibang tao dito o idiscourage man ang mga potential medicine students sa pagkaloka kong to. E bkit ko pa to ipopost? E ke pa’t nag blog ako! Kidding aside, self explanatory na yan! At least for myself.