V(^_^)V

I fear of letting someone know how special they are to me. I fear of dependence. I fear of expectations. I learned to be afraid. And so, though I feel it, I learned to act as numb as stone in every little appreciation of my existence. It is wanting to have a perfect relationship with someone but not wanting to be attached.

Last Sunday, I was already very excited of wearing my new pangharabas puruntong. Partly because I wanted her to see it. I was also too excited of blurting out a line I got from Love to Love. Hindi mo na kelangan maging sweet sakin kung gusto mo akong maging kaibigan. I thought that was more than perfect for her to say to him.

Until the news caught me early morning the next day. Text messages flashed in my mind. And also of a particular moment I think I thought time stopped. But then I neglected it.

As each phrase of the news slowly appeared on the computer screen, I had random guilt thoughts. Sana andun ako. Dapat andun ako. Dapat nakinig ako e. Dapat nagpapilit ako. Kung sana lang sinunod ko yung naramdaman ko na.

Very soon I realized na wala naman ako magagawa e. Makikita ko lang ang actual na nangyari. I decided to take it lightly. Actually, natawa ako. And I was ready to laugh at her the moment I see her. Oi, babae ka talga. Strong ang character pero weak naman talga physically.

I went to school and heard the rest of the story. My imagination carried me to that place, to places.

I left my eyeglasses at home. So vision totally unreliable. When I had a glimpse of her I thought she was sleeping. When I had a better look on her, I felt I was being reminded of someone or a situation I cannot think of. But every time I looked at her face and everytime I remember it I feel a lump in my throat. It's so damn painful to stop it from forming.

And I wish I hadn't went back in her room just to ask where in Malate the Korean Restaurant is. First, because I did not get an answer. I went home hungry as a lion. Second, I should have been so much better this very moment. Tears just don't stop while I'm writing this.