On Love

Kung si Ay-gee may tanong na When was the last time you did something for the first time?

Ako merong When was the last time na naramdaman mong nasa dibdib mo ang puso mo? [Anatomically, in between sya ng 4th – 8th thoracic vertebra mo posteriorly at 2nd-6th costal cartilages mo anteriorly. Excuse lang kelangan ko lang yan matandaan for the rest of my life e].

Ako kahapon lang e.

Nagkukutingting ako nun sa taas ng bahay.

Lorraine…?

Ako ba yun?

Lorraine…?

Shet! Sya ba yun? Ang sakit ng puso ko! Yung feeling bago mo maramdaman na natatae ka pag kinakabahan ka. [Siguro sobrang pump ng oxygenated blood ko papuntang ascending aorta ko.]

Lorraine…?

Parang naiipit ang utak ko! [Nastretch siguro ang dura at pia mater ko!] Teka!! Magsusuklay na ba ako? Anong gingawa nya dito? Bababa na ba ako? Pano nya nalaman bahay namin? Shet!

Lorraine..?

Saglit lang po! Sigaw ng kapatid ko. Narinig ko syang tumayo. Sabi ko ang tagal naman umakyat nun! LALAINE!! May tao! Nyak! Tricycle driver pala ng pinsan ko.

Hanep! Anong nangyari sa akin? Ngayon lang ulit to a! Pagnakikita ko si Chito naalala ko sya, pagbinabanggit ang pangalan ni Diether sa Ikaw Ang Lahat Sa Akin syempre pumapasok sya sa isip ko, sa frendster ok lang sa akin pag nakikita ko na masaya sila. Pero ngayon lang ulit nagbehave ang heart of mine ng ganito. Boses lang pala ang katapat ko!

Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin. Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko…

How can your heart forget the very first man who claimed you as his heaven? Maybe it can’t. It won’t.

WHAT THE EYES CANNOT SEE, THE HEART CAN FEEL.AND WHAT THE MIND FORGETS, THE HEART WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER

Napasaya. Kinilig. Nasaktan ng sukdulan. Naging bitter. Nang lumaon nawala ang pain. Naging better but still hoping. Nang makitang astig na couple sila at nalaman masaya sila pareho, nasaktan. Umiyak sa harap ng computer. Pinalipas ang panahon. Huminto sa pag iyak dahil don. Found myself just happy for them. Now I’m just too amazed how could I still love him when I no longer hope and see him with me again. We were never really together as couple. But we know we shared a very special thing we never talked about even until this very moment.

Nagbitaw man ako ng salita na pag pumasa ako sa 1st shifting exam ko sa biochem sasabihin ko sa mahal kong mahal ko sya, hanggang dito lang talaga ang kaya ko. Hanggang dito lang talaga ang pwede. Hanggang dito lang ang freedom of speech ko. At least I am trying to build a bridge between us bahala na siguro si God sa iba.

I am not desperate to get a guy. Hanggang ngaun naniniwala pa rin ako na it's better to try not to think of it. Pag inisip mo mapapahintay ka. Malulungkot ka pag di dumating. Hayaan mo lang. Ibang kaso pag naramdaman mong mahal ka rin nya, ung as in no doubt, obvious talaga. Dun ka na mag-isip.

Sabi sa Sassy Girl fate is building bridges between you and the one you love.

Sabi sa Innocent Step, ang fireflies after mareach ang maturity sisimulan na nilang maghintay para sa firefly na makakasama nila for the rest of their cycle. Though may analogy na ganyan para sa love sa story, at the end they refute the behavior of fireflies. Sabi minsan you don’t just wait kelangan mo puntahan at lapitan ang taong sa tingin mo ay para sau.

Sabi ni Fa Won sa Meteor Garden, nakaset sa human genome na three years lang tatagal ang pag-ibig sa puso ng tao. Wla lang gusto ko lang ilagay.

Ayan, sa kakapanuod ko ng Korean movies at tv series na may laging scene na tumatakbo ng mabilis ang guy sa paghahabol sa girl nila, napapadaydream tuloy ako kung meron kayang hahabol sa akin ng ganun..parang sa Meteor Garden din. Kung ako siguro si God nabatikan ko na ang sarili ko! Di talga ako marunong mag-appreciate ng blessing!

Parang pinapagsabihan nya ko: Hindi mo man lang naalala ung hinabol ka ni ___! Nagkunyari ka pa ngang di mo sya nakita! Nagkunyari ka pang di mo nararamdaman na walang humahabol sau! Lumingon ka lang nung nasa tabi mo na sya at tinanong ka kung saan ka magmemed! NapaWAAAAAHHH nga sya nung sinabi mong PLM dib a!! Nalaman mo dun din pala kc sya magmemed! Tuliro sya nung maghiwalay kau! O wag masyadong assuming!

Ngayon! Sya na nga ang unang bumati sayo ng magkita kau ng PLM! You knew he was smiling when he called you Lorieeeeee! Pero anong ginanti mo isang pekeng smile sabay talikod!!! Sinong di malulungkot sa ginawa mo?! At ang courage nya nung paringgan ka nya sa OM na Si Lorie di na namamansin di mo man lang na-appreciate! At anong sagot mo?! BC KA! What a lame excuse?! Bakit pag nakakasalubong mo ba sya lagging nakazipper ang bibig mo para mag HI at immovable ba ang ulo mo para di man lang makatango?! Hay! Ang batang ito!

How could I make others understand when I myself couldn’t explain to myself why I am still too afraid?

Afraid for love to fade before it can come true

With my hand on my heart-farewell.

By Request

Sabi ni Avie magpost naman daw ako ng masaya. Masyado daw madrama mga pinost ko. Hay..Syempre ako naman khit nalungkot ako kc I don’t mean to have a blog with a melodramatic effect nagising ako sa katotohanan na medyo seryoso nga ang mga entries ko.

Syempre..pinilit ko talga mag-isip…WALA!

Ok. I told myself Think of happy thoughts.
Kaboom!!!

Frames of me and my barkada writing on a book flash on my mind. The book would be a surprise gift for Layra, our payatot kabarkada. Joyce wrote first Think of happy thoughts. I write next Think of me. Tapos si Dyan Think of me too. Tapos c Cathy Think of us.

Sa Dentistry lang kame lahat lahat nagkakilala. Ngayon, dalawa na lang sa amin ang may pangarap magkalkal ng ngipin ng iba, c Cathy at c Layra. Si Joyce Food Tech sa Diliman. Pati c Dyan na super henyo sa chem nasa Diliman Chem Eng. Ako at c Portia PH tapos Med ngayon.

Last last week lang kame ulit nagkita kita sa apartment ni Lay. Di kame kumpleto pero nagluto pa rin c Joyce ng putahe ng barkada. Wala pa yung pangalan pero super duper todo sarap nun. Secret recipe un. Like a pact among us. Actually, wala ngang pact kc wala naman kming demands sa bawat isa. First time namin un kinain sa Jollibee nung first year. Bigla na lang may dala c Joyce na parang kaldero isang araw tapos bumili na lang kami ng rice dun sa Jollibee.

Nakakamiss talga ang pag-upo sa escalator, ang pagtawag sa isa’t isang tanga, ang matagal na pag-iisip kung saan kakain na ang kahahantungag lang e fave na Chowking sa taas ng rob, ang paglalakad sa faura pagkatapos ng ulan tapos sabay hatak ng mga sanga ng halaman para mabasa kame, ang pag silay sa crush ng bawat isa, ang pag-upo sa mga sahig, ang pag-uusap na para bang nasa bundok, ang pag memake face pag may topak ang isa at ang mga birthday surprises.

Nag-umpisa un sa bday ko e, first year. Lantern parade. Mga ilang araw bago ang bday ko may time na ayaw nila akong palabasin ng Physics room namin. On the Big day, ginulat ako ni Joyce. Tumawag. Nasa Imus daw sya. Sbi ko cge nga saan sa Imus. Aba ang loka nadescribe ng tama ang paligid nya, nasa Imus nga. Nagtanong lang sya ng palatandaan ng bahay namin. Maya maya nasa harap na ng bahay namin ang bruha. Medyo nainis ang mga kabarkada ko nun sa kanya kc nadelay daw ang plano. Pero para sa akin super duper galing nun. Naalala lang ni Joyce kung anong sinasakyan kong bus tapos nung andun na sya tinanong lang nya kung saan sya bababa para makapunta sa baryo namin.

At un nga dahil Lantern Parade kaylangan nasa PGH parking lot kame. Super excited sila. Sabi ni Lay tatawagin lang nya ang frend nya. Sobrang tagal! Daming excuses! Maya maya may humaplos ng buhok ko. Pag talikod ko e nasa harap ko na ang long lost crush ko ng grade 4 ako. Kinapalan na nila ang mukha nila nung physics time namin na lapitan sya at magtanong kung sya nga ba sya at kung kilala nya ba ako. Ayun nakipagsabwatan na ang loko. Inabot nya ung gift ng barkada ko para sa akin at super 2 mins na kwentuhan. Sobrang bilis lang nun pero what happened during the following days and months and years because of that surprise is really overwhelming for an innocent heart. But is still deserving to be treasured forever.

Imbentuhan lang ng gimik pag may bday. Nakakaloka! Adventure talga! Kelangan magaling kang mag pretend! Magaling magsinungaling! Magaling magtago! Magaling magpigil ng tawa! Creativity may not count but acting ability certainly does.

Nakilala namin si Maegan Young nung 18th bday ni Cathy sa Gapo. First cousin nya un e.

Nakakilala kami ng maraming lalaki sa paghahanap para sa 18 roses ni Lay na kung saan saan sumusulpot para ibigay ang roses. Medyo nainis nga ung histo prof naming dahil laging may kumakatok na lalaki sa rum.. Di ko pa nun nakikilala ang major crush ni Lay pero I mustered all the courage from all my organs para kausapin un. Medyo nainis c Lay pero wala syang panama sa powers ko magdrama na gusto lang namin syang maging masaya. Hahahaha.

Pag bday ni Joyce at Dyan sugod lang kame sa Diliman! Kunyari wala kaming plano. Pero aun gumugulong na kami sa Sunken Garden at kumakain ng isaw at umiinom ng gulaman. Sarap!

Si Celica, model na sya ngaun. Di un masyadong nagpaparamdam kaya minsan lang namin makasama. Pero barkada yan. Yan ang pambato naming sa Physics at Math pati sa kamalditahan. Sa bahay nila kame laging sumusugod pero never pa ko nakasama.

Si Portia lagi talga yun walang kamuwang muwang. Na overhaul na naming ang celfone nya inosente pa rin. Nasa Uste sya ngaun. Two years na kameng war pero alam ko andyan lang sya at alam kong alam din nyang andito lang ako.

Hay…Sana kahit mga propesyonal man kame o taong grasa ganto pa rin kame.

Ano , Avie? Alam ko nakakalungkot pa rin to pero just thinking of them really puts a big smile on my face.

With my hand in my heart-farewell.

Books

I’ve been wondering long enough if there’s a book authored by a Filipino and was published internationally. Though, I haven’t asked anyone about this.

At the same time, I have been promising myself of reading my father’s books. I felt that he’s been sad because he thought none of his children has put an interest on reading his books. I know the feeling because I placed my own books where I thought my siblings can easily see, grab and read one. This strategy of introducing them to novels is to no avail. They have other interests. After letting my books acquire brown yellow pigments, I returned them to the shelf where they can be safe. Anyway my precious time allowed me to grab one of his books just now.

I have been eyeing his F. Sionil Jose’s Rosales Novels for a long time. My father bought this book after reading the national artist’s Ermita which is actually mine and which has the author’s signature on it.

I have already read his Ermita (borrowed from a friend) before my dormmates and I met him in his book store La Solidaridad along Padre Faura. Being just first years we were really proud and honored to have met him. Because I really want something to remind me of that very moment and, well, to show off I impulsively and hopelessly bought his book and have him sign it. After that signing session, we had a small conversation. I still remember him saying Study hard for our country ha. I run as fast as my foot can carry me back to our dorm leaving my dorm mates in the store to get my camera. But when I headed for the store I met my dorm mates and told me that his driver arrived already and fetched him. Aww..

I chose Tree from the Rosales Novels. Before I read a book it is my habit of browsing the first pages. What surprised me is that what I am looking for is just under my nose, in my father’s shelves! What more is I have already read one. All of F. Sionil’s novels were already published internationally!

Astig no?!

With my hand on my heart-farewell

Daddy-Long-Legs

Daddy-Long-Legs

I have seen the Korean movie and of course the tv series first before I have read the book. Actually Jhulles just gave me the site. I went to the site, copied and pasted the whole article on word (landscape, 2 columns), printed it, cut the paper crosswise and glued on one edge. Tana! Book na sya! Isang higaan ko lang tapos ko na basahin!

The story is imparted by just presenting all the letters of Judy Abbott to Mr. John Smith/Daddy-Long-Legs. The book is really short but the content is way beyond its length. There are so many good ideas shared by Jean Webster (author)-new ones, ones you should be reminded of, and the ones that would put you on a good disposition towards life. I’m just a little bit confused on her faith. In the story Judy doesn’t believe in the phrase The Lord’s will be done. For her free will is a big something. On the contrary, her actions show she believes in salvation.

Nevertheless, I still place my hands on the ground for Jean Webster.

Btw, I got a good ending for my entries. Jean got this from Stevenson and I got it from her.

With my hand in my heart – farewell.

Galing!

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

ISANG PANGAKO

Unang-una, wala talagang certainty sa lahat ng bagay. Kung alam mo na lahat at mga tamang desisyon sa buhay then wala ng room for faith o pagtitiwala sa Kanya. Kung lahat ng bagay ay nakalahad, then wala ng excitement, di ba ang buhay ay isang paglalakbay? Stage ito ng pagtitiwala at pagkakaroon ng moment na may surprise Siya sayo. Kung alam mo na kung saan ka tatahak then di na yun surprise. Araw-araw may surprise Siya sayo. Gaya ng sinabi ng maraming tao sa akin, dinasal mo na ba ang bagay na ito? Eto nakakalimutan ko rin. Kasi sa huli, ang desisyon na ito ay stronger kung its between Him and you and not you and them. Kung ano man ang desisyon mo, di ibig sabihin tapos na dahil nakapagdecide ka na. Araw-araw itetest yan at mag-iisiip ka kung tama ba ang naging desisyon mo. Kung ang desisyon mo ay nakabasi lamang sa demands ng country, sa gusto ng family, sa pride ng clan, at sa karamihang kinukuha ng batch then you will grow weary...mapapagod ka. Hindi kayang i-sustain ng pressure ng batch mo ang pagmed. Dati nag-aaral talaga ko for my family, nung nag-iisa nalang ako, narealize ko na lilipas din pala, matapos maabot ang pride ng clan - dadaan din lang pala.

Mapapagod ka kung iisipin mo na gusto mong tulungan ang bayan dahil di mo mapapas-an ang lahat ng problema ng bayan, mafrufrustrate ka. Hindi maiiwasan na magsasawa ka sa pagtulong. Kung natetest ang ano mang desisyon mo mas mainam, sa tingin ko, na nasusustain ito dahil may pangako ka sa Kanya at tutuparin mo ito. Ang alam ko kasi, Siya lang talaga ang naging constant sa buhay ko at tinitry kong i-rely ang lahat ng mga desisyon at gagawin ko sa kanya. Si mother Teresa nagsawa din yata yun sa pagtulong pero dahil may pangako siya, hindi siya nawalan ng pag-asa at lakas.

Sabi nga ng dating speaker namin, kung Siya lang ang pagbabasihan then magiging simply ang lahat ng desisyon. At sigurado na kung ano man ang desisyon mo sa buhay, taas-noo mo itong isigaw sa bayan dahil ito ay isang PANGAKO at tutulong Siya sa pagpapatupad ng pangakong ito. Kung sa tingin mo hindi mo natupad ang pangakong ito, hindi ka pa rin talo, dahil alam mo na ginawa mo ito para sa Kanya dahil kung tutuusin ang lahat ng lakas natin ay dapat nakatuun para sa Kanya.

Reply to sa akin ni Kuya Jason na clerk sa UP-PGH ngaun. Nakasama ko sya nung madeploy kame sa Mindoro. Isa sya sa mga pinaka astig na taong nakilala ko kaya nagconfide ako sa kanya habang nag-aapply ako sa mga med schools. Nung mga panahong nagugulumihanan ako.

Sa mga interviews ko pag tinatanong ako kung bkit ko gusto mag med ito ang sinasagot ko..because I made a promise. Minsan natanong ako: To whom? Sagot ko:To God and to my father. Kasi naman wala ako kamuwang muwang naalala pala ng tatay ko nung nangako ako sa kanya nung grade five ako na magiging isa akong doktor. Ako nga di ko un maalala. Napsych man ako ng tatay ko wala akong pakialam. Ang nag struck sa akin e ganun katindi ang kagustuhan nya na pag-aralin ako dahil naalala nya pa un hangang ngaun. May follow up question pa pag sinasagot ko to sasabihin ng doctor-interviewer: I believe God only wants the best for you, your happiness. He doesn't want to push you to do anything you don't want and to promise anything to Him. Sagot ko: I f this is the only idea that would keep me going onto pursuing my dream to be a doctor, then I will cling to it. Because for me it's really hard to break a promise especially when you made it in the name of God.

Medicine 101

Nakalkal ko sa pseudo diary ko where I write my deepest of emotions and where I talk to myself in English. Original piece duplicated including grammatical errors. No alterations made. I just placed my comments in braces.

Is this how it feels to be running out of sanity?

Depression? Sadness? Frustration? Hopelessness? Am I on the verge of losing my sanity? I hope not. I don’t want to be one of those medical students believed to be intellectually endowed [or am I] but emotionally naïve [I’m sure I’m not].

Emptiness and lack of meaning of existence succumb to my being for a moment. These made me ask God to take me. I have asked Him this several times. [It started the moment I took my first long exam in medicine].

I may have heard Him tell me why I am here. I heard Him. But I don’t want to hear Him more. Denial.

Before I stepped on this very path I am now taking, I am sure of what I want to become. This image of me has been gradually created by years of dreams, aspirations and of idealism. Back then, I don’t believe it was idealism. Because I believed I can [do everything] with God’s grace and guidance.

Only four months have passed, but it seems I am beginning to loosen my grip of this image I painted several years ago. I prepared myself for sleepless nights and for BIG BOOKS. But what I failed to prepare myself for is giving up [thinking of] the things that make me alive, awake and driven. Or do I really have to sacrifice those things?

Med School has made my mind passive. In a sense that, it just take in and process technical terms and principles.

Wait. Is this where I wanna go?

I wanna say yes because I am already here and I don’t want to give another heartache [and headache] to my parents.

But my eyes see me somewhere. Places I have never been to... I wanna be everything I can become. To see God’s creations in various points of view…But for how long would I become this kind of traveler, jack of all trades [ am I? I’m crazy], no permanent position, no single mission in life…or is that my very mission, my very purpose on earth? To experience, to touch, to see, to free, to hear, to smell almost if not all of God’s beauty.

But how would I be able to do this? That’s when medicine enters the picture. Financial freedom while serving the people. [Financial freedom???]

My head is in a jam.

Medicine should give you time to think not of technical stuff but of other things you know are the most important that will keep you going, that will keep your mind and soul alive, awake and driven and sane. But don’t think too long…[I can’t coz I have to study]

These past four months, I allowed myself to lose everything I am passionate about. Photography, Filipinos, people and God.

[Maybe God just spoke through me..through my hands. For what follows is this:]

Well, I feel blessed again…

Kelangan ko lang talaga paminsan minsan huminto at mag self talk. Kahit di ko na buuin ang kwento maiintidihan ko pa rin kung anong nararamdaman at naiisip ko dahil ako lang yun at wala ng iba. Alam ko na ang buong istorya at nakukuha ko na ang sagot di pa man un lumalabas sa bibig ko o sinusulat ng kamay ko.

I absolutely have no intention of giving a bad impression on medicine o palalain pa ang tingin ng ibang tao dito o idiscourage man ang mga potential medicine students sa pagkaloka kong to. E bkit ko pa to ipopost? E ke pa’t nag blog ako! Kidding aside, self explanatory na yan! At least for myself.

Inspired by Andro and Angela

You are an adventure seeker. Almost nothing can be
to exiting or extreme for you. You don't really
like to sit still, though you can... if you
really have too. You dream of the things you
want to reach, want to see, want to feel, and
that is wonderful! If you have a goal set, you
will go for it no matter what. If it's big or
small! Your friends are most likely just like
you, or the complete opposite. I mean, someone
has to keep you with your feet on the ground!
If it's not your devotion to things, or your
hope, your greatest blessing are the people who
love you. Eventhough you want to reach great
things and have your head in the clowds, you
know you have some great people who will catch
you if you fall out of your little dream world.
Motto; Those who give up never know how close they
were to reaching what they desired.

Who are you inside? (detailed and yes, with pics!)
brought to you by

The Secret Garden

Years ago I have convinced myself to have classic novels on top of my books-to-read. Well, first of all they are already obviously classic. Everybody surely knows what it means. For practical reasons, they are cheaper than contemporary ones.

I finished reading Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden after a day and a night.

I’ve been looking for it since the day I remembered the feeling of watching “Ang Lihim na Hardin” on tv. Its title The Secret Garden already brings out curiosity of how would its original novel tickle my imagination as I unstoppably turn page after page. I was really excited to be reminded of the feeling books give me. I did not let go of the enthusiasm of reaching that point as I read The Secret Garden from start to finish.

But as I noticed that there’s just one page left of the story, I was sure that I was disappointed. I knew there is climax but I didn’t feel it. There was no combination of emotions effected.

There’s just one positive feeling strengthened in me. But Lois Lowry, who wrote the introduction for the book, and me had opposing views. She emphasized on who the readers might want to be among Mary, Colin and Dickon. Her daughter wanted to be a demanding manipulative invalid while she wanted to be Mary. I wanted to be Dickon. HOWEVER, Lois almost forgot of this character for she “postponed much mention of him” on her intro. She wrote “ he is simply monotonously good. We can stand him. We even like him. But we don’t want to be him; nobody wants to be that saintly. It can’t be any fun.”

Honestly, I half-finished reading her intro so I just returned on reading it after I had finished reading the story itself. I wanted to be Dickon not only because he is an animal charmer, he has a green thumb and he sings well but because he has a very thoughtful mother and fascinating siblings. I do not say I don’t have these. My family is not perfect nor close to perfect. But I won't have any other but them. If I want to be someone I’d rather be someone who’s got his family even they are financially nothing compared to others.

But thanks to Lois’ observation on Dickon I found the right word for the story. It is MONOTONOUS.

I think I should see the movie.

According to Burnett, Magic is all around. People just don't know how to make it happen. Colin made it happen by repeatedly saying and doing what he wants to be until he was able to walk straight and won the a running race against Mary.

I can also make it happen..kahit ako na lang ata ang hindi pumapasang Physio ngayon..PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO...PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO..PAPASA AKO NG PHYSIO...